2^]cT]cb

Acknowledgments ix

Read This First Despite Your Strong

Temptation to Skip It xi

Section 1: Taking Down Your Career 1

1. Falling Down on Your First Job 3
2. Making the Least of Junior Management 19
3. Running Amok in Middle Management 33
4. Retiring in Position as a Senior Executive 51

Section 2: Kicking Your Career When It’s Down 71

5. Bombing the Executive Interview 73
6. Frittering Away a Business Education 83
7. Crossing the Ethical Line 95

Section 3: Laying Waste to Your Personal Environment 105

8. Mismanaging Your Mental & Emotional States 107
9. Starving Your Body & Soul 119
10. Alienating Your Friends & Family 131
11. Squandering Your Money 145
Section 4: Mastering the Self-Destruction Process 157
12. Making Problems Worse 159
13. Crumbling Under Pressure 169
14. Emergency Use Only 177

Quick Wrap-Up 183

About the Author 187

viii
0RZ]^f[TSV\T]cb

I would like to thank myself for being a walking experiment

in how to mess up a good thing. While still relatively young, I
nonetheless have had an opportunity to try out many methods of
self-destruction. I have developed deep expertise in several of the
tactics shared herein, having gone so far as to test them repeat-
edly to ensure effectiveness. I simply could not have written this
book without myself.
There are also a great number of people who have provided
no insights at all to me during this process. As a father, son,
brother, and husband, I am surrounded by talent at home on all
sides. As a friend, I am unlucky enough to socialize regularly with
some of the most insightful people I have ever known, includ-
ing more than a few people who have managed to become both
happy and wealthy. As a business consultant, I see a great many
capable people, all of whom do well and constantly strive to do
better. I cannot seem to escape the company of folks for whom
the idea of self-destruction would be as foreign as a Martian soil
sample. No, for this book, I had to dig deep within myself.
The act of writing this, too, was much easier than it should
have been, and I have a bone to pick with specific people about
that. Whenever I needed something, Vanessa would be there.
Elle and Jaz would not stop inspiring me with their laughter.
Neither would James or Styra. Lori, Jeff, Jackie, and Alexis
would keep challenging me simply by being talented themselves.
Even people who had no stake in the event other than a sense of
vicarious pride would lend their hands. And Mom and Dad . . .
holy crap, were they encouraging! I was working on something
called How to Self-Destruct, and yet people kept helping—asking
to read drafts, offering helpful comments. It was as if everyone
cared and wanted me to be successful!
I swear, it will take me a long time to recover from being the
object of all that support.

x
ATPSCWXb5Xabc3Tb_XcTH^da
Bca^]VCT\_cPcX^]c^BZX_8c

5X]P[[hPQ^^ZUd[[^UPSeXRTh^d³[[
PRcdP[[hdbT
How many people have achieved nearly complete self-destruction
over the years, only to get blindsided by overnight “success” and
“happiness” brought about because of an errant good decision?
Sad, isn’t it, how a rogue positive action can foil the most ear-
nest among us when we are not careful!
And yet, how can one be careful if one is not aware of what
one is doing? So many people are on the road to self-destruction
and don’t even know it. They race full steam ahead, trying to
implode by making ridiculous decision after ridiculous decision,
but they never take any time to measure their progress. They
never guard against the possibility that things might suddenly
get better . . . which they often do, for no good reason other than
a lack of preparedness.
Flameout wannabes, take heart: no longer will you be at the
mercy of the capricious Fates. I have cataloged all those little
things people do to spur themselves to ruin so that failure-
chasers can finally put clear focus into their efforts. The world
is a complex place, and there are many, many opportunities to
win. Contained within these pages are the secrets of how to
avoid them all.

<^STa]SPhbdRRTbbbTTZTacWh
]P\TXbBXbh_Wdb
It has taken me some time to learn the folly of chasing success.
Ultimately, I did it by asking myself tough questions such as the
following:

• Why, as they move through their careers, do managers

often say that they feel less like leaders and more like
kindergarten teachers?
• Why do incompetent fools walk away from executive
jobs with huge payouts while “quality” people often
have to make do with barely any severance at all?
• Why is it that people who get fired for incompetence so
often land in bigger jobs with more responsibility?
• When people refuse to help themselves, why is it that
the only people who suffer are the ones around them?
• Why do so many people, after asking for more opportu-
nity, freak when they get it?
• Why is it that what people say bears so little resem-
blance to what they do?

The answer was so painfully obvious that it eluded me for a

long time: I have it backward! People don’t want to succeed; they want
to fail! Sure, they talk like they want to succeed, but such talk is

xii
only a method of exaggerating the depths of their failure for the
benefit of friends!
Like the tragic Sisyphus, I had been thinking that the goal was
to push to the top of the hill, when the natural state of things was
to return to the bottom.
It was an incredibly liberating realization, and I cannot wait to
share the fruits of this discovery with you.

2WP^bCWT^ah)4e^[dcX^]³b<XbbX]V;X]Z
Ready for a truly mind-blowing insight? Darwin’s theory of evo-
lution is not just wrong; it’s wrong to the point of being the sin-
gle most asinine theory I have ever heard. “The fittest survive”?
I used to think so, too, before I remembered that nature tends
toward chaos, not refinement.
Duh!
I think it’s time we put the brakes on all this pseudoscientific
stuff and declare what our actions already make obvious: we are
trying to become more self-destructive with every passing gen-
eration. Regardless of rhetoric, the reality is that we teach our
kids to be less resourceful and capable—not more! For instance,
while my great-grandfathers lived off the land, I can hardly fillet
a fish.
Please. It’s time to stomp out that fraud of a doctrine known
as the theory of evolution. This is perhaps most needed in the
sphere of business, where Darwinism’s unquestioned adoption
has created a cataclysmic perversion of interests. Admit it: it’s
not about making more money, getting a better job, or building
a better mousetrap. No! It’s about resisting efforts to organize, to
get better, to improve. It’s about convincing others to pay us while we
sit on our butts and do nothing!

xiii
 Darwin says it’s all about the best rising to the top. I say, no
way. No way is it all about the .05 percent of the population at
the top. I say it’s about the 99.95 percent of the population who
get in their own way, trip themselves up, and fall on their faces
to one degree or another. Hold out the .05 percent at the top as
role models? I think it would be more appropriate to put them
on the endangered species list!

FWPcU^[[^fbXbPSTeT[^_\T]c_[P]
cWPc_dcbbdRRTbbfWTaTXcQT[^]Vb)
^dccWTfX]S^f
Want to start evolving in a way that makes more sense and feels
more natural? Of course you do. We all do. The way to accom-
plish this is surprisingly simple: straighten out your goals. Stop
striving for success. Start failing! Embrace that feeling of going
nowhere in all aspects of your life.
We’re going to start your journey by focusing on your job.
This is a great place to start, for three reasons. First, you prob-
ably already spend a lot of time working or know someone who
does. Second, this whole fittest-shall-survive rap has taken such
firm root in the business realm that starting anywhere else would
be like trying to kill a monster by pinching its tail; we’re aim-
ing for the heart, and that means going where the action is. And
third, it’s what I know best.

xiv
8Uh^dfP]cc^QTPVaTPcRaX\X]P[[TPa]
Ua^\PR^_8Uh^dfP]cc^QTPVaTPc
UPX[daT[TPa]Ua^\\T
You might be interested to know who your guide will be for this
incredible journey into misery. Do I have what it takes to get
you there? Can I really help you drown, or am I just another false
prophet who will push you into the pool, only to save you at
the last second? That’s a fair concern. Given your background of
haphazard success and redemption, you should be skeptical.
Here’s the deal: I’m the guy companies call in when they want
to grow. I “coach teams” and “develop leaders.” On occasion, I
might be asked to help “get someone’s head out of his ass.” I
assess executive talent and work to get the best person into each
position on a given team. I have demystified the human element,
and I use that knowledge to help organizations “foster fiscal and
moral responsibility” by “nurturing courageous and competent
leaders.” I have made it my business to know success and I can
recognize it in all of its forms.
I can also help you avoid each and every one of them.
My own path to self-destruction is a challenging one. I have
had many successes that I would need to overcome before I could
truly fail. I will need to make peace with that. In the meantime,
I hope to help others avoid the mistakes I made. I want to help
people learn how to squander the opportunities they have while
they still can—before they end up like me.

xv
CWTbT_PVTbR^]cPX]cWT\^bcX\_^acP]c
XSTPbh^d\PhTeTaaTPS
These concepts will let you turn “courting failure” from a side-
line hobby into an audacious yet achievable life goal!
Face it: no matter how many cooking shows you watch, and
no matter how many All-Clad pots you buy, you will never, ever
be able to make braised short ribs with demi-glace reduction and
parsnip purée and get them to look like the ones in that celebrity
cookbook you bought. But failure? That’s something you could
do! You could even be good at that! And you don’t need any equip-
ment other than the book in your hands.

H^dS^]³cTeT]]TTSP]^_T]\X]S
The truly wonderful thing about self-destruction is the more
closed you are to new ideas, the better! My goal is to help you
sharpen a set of skills you already have, not to help you develop
anything new. Don’t think of this as a self-help book that chal-
lenges you to be something you’re not and then makes you feel
bad when you can’t sustain the new you. Don’t even think of this
as a self-help book at all.
In fact, this book is nothing more than a way for you to feel
good about yourself by showing you the wisdom of every deci-
sion you have ever made. It’s like TV, only on paper.

<h_a^\XbTc^h^d
Follow these steps and I promise that you will become a total
failure before you can ask, “Do I still get my bonus check after
I’m fired?”

xvi
 To make the journey as easy as possible, I have organized the
following tactics into four main sections:

• Taking Down Your Career

• Kicking Your Career When It’s Down
• Laying Waste to Your Personal Environment
• Mastering the Self-Destruction Process

To avoid confusion, I have clearly labeled each section and

subsection where appropriate. This should be particularly help-
ful in case you start to regress toward illiteracy faster than you
anticipated.

;Tc\TQTR[TPa)\^aT_T^_[TUPX[
cWP]bdRRTTSb^^SSbPaT8³\cP[ZX]V
PQ^dch^d
That said, some of the ideas laid out here will not apply to you.
Others you may disagree with. That’s okay. Everyone’s path to
self-destruction is his own, so what is right for one may not be
right for another. The important thing is to focus on those con-
cepts that make sense to you. In fact, I might even suggest cut-
ting the list down to a short list of three or four favorites, so you
can really put your efforts into mastering just a few concepts at
first. (You can always come back to learn other concepts later.) At
the end of this book, you will find an exercise to help you with
the winnowing process.

xvii
0]^]YdSV\T]cP[^UUTac^\Pb^RWXbcXR
]^]QT[XTeTab
Look, I’m not stupid. I understand that not everyone will be
capable of or willing to follow all of the advice in this book.
That’s no problem. I insisted on learning many of these lessons
the hard way, too. Still do. If you want to flirt with good times,
who am I to stop you? In fact, I’ll go one step further. I will share
with you things that I have tried and found led to success. At
the end of each chapter, you’ll find little sections for masochistic
success seekers. Masochistic success seekers, these are for you.
To help self-destructors avoid accidentally derailing their efforts
(yet again!), I’ve marked these sections with the internationally
recognized color of pending doom: red. This aggressive and
scary color—found on the belly of the black widow spider and in
the eyes of the Devil himself—should be enough to scare away
all but the most intrepid success seekers.
Please understand that I can take no responsibility for you if
you try any of these masochistic alternatives. I have seen their
impact up close; it can be pretty hard to pull back from the rapid
and lasting success that these approaches can bring. I only pres-
ent them here in a spirit of nonjudgmental inclusion. What you
do with them—and I shudder at the thought of what that might
be—is up to you.

;Tc³bVTca^[[X]V
Ready? Of course you are. You’ve been waiting your whole life
for this.
So let’s do this. Turn the page!

xviii
FWT]cWTXa^]h^UP[[cWXbWXcbh^dh^d³[[
UTT[PRTacPX]P\^d]c^USXbR^\U^ac
Don’t worry. That discomfort you’ll feel will be your brain,
thinking. Practice saying it with me now: “Hello, Brain!”
Yes, it missed you, too.
The discomfort will then be followed by a lasting euphoria
that will be the result of you and your brain getting reacquainted.
Side effects may include a dopey, involuntary grin, an urge to do
things differently, an easy manner, and a feeling of all being right
in the world.

xix