A RELATIONAL TOOLBOX

You don’t have to be a counsellor or family therapist to use a few simple tools when families
and relationships are troubled.

These are a few simple things to help you have more constructive and helpful conversations
with families facing challenges.

PRAYER
If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding
fault, and it will be given to you. James 1:5

 Prayer is vital. We need to ask God to give us wisdom when working with relationships.
 We need to ask how we can be channels of His deep love and grace into the hurting
relationship.
 We need to pray for the Holy Spirit to work on everyone’s hearts and minds.

BLESSING
Blessed are the peacemakers. Matthew 5:9

 Know that when you help to heal broken relationships, you are being a peacemaker.

CREATE A SAFE PLACE TO TALK

Perfect love drives out fear. 1 John 4:18

Set ground rules together before you start.

 What will make this a safe and useful place for each person to talk? Invite suggestions:
 Confidentiality.
 Not blaming or judging each other.
 Make sure that each person has time to talk, and time to listen.
 Ensure that each person feels respected and valued.
 Set a time limit so that everyone knows when you will end your meeting.
 Make sure that people are not tired, hungry and thirsty as these factors can make people
feel irritable and frustrated.

ASK ABOUT HOPES – NOT PROBLEMS

You will be secure because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety.
Job 11:18

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If you ask about problems, you will get lots of problem-talk and complaints. This can be really
discouraging and overwhelming for you as a helper, and for them.

If anyone in the family feels shamed and blamed by the problem talk and the complaining it will
be harder for you to engage them in more positive conversations.

 Ask: ‘What hopes do you have for your family?’

 ‘What are your hopes for this time of talking together?’
 ‘What hopes do you think the other people in your family have about talking together
today?’

INVITE POSITIVE STORIES

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is
pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think
about such things. Philippians 4:8

 Ask each person to tell you about a time when things went really well in their family…
 Ask each person what everyone else in the family is good at.
 Ask each person what they feel proudest of doing as a dad, mum, husband, wife, child,
teen, young person, etc.

CURIOSITY
To answer before listening - that is folly and shame. Proverbs 18:13

Don’t assume you know best, or that you have all the answers to their problems. Families are
experts on their own relationships. Asking useful questions will help you and them to
understand more about their situation so they can find useful solutions.

 Be curious about the family and their relationships.

 Imagine you are an alien learning how their family works – then ask questions. This also
helps the family to be more curious about themselves.
 Curiosity leads to a richer understanding of each person in the family.

NEUTRALITY
But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate,
submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. James 3:17 

 Choose to have an attitude of looking up to their wisdom, and their knowledge and
experience of their family, rather than looking down on their ‘failures’ and ‘problems’ as a
family.
 Let go of your desire to rush in and fix or change things.
 Be non-judgemental. Everyone needs to feel you are equally on their side, and wanting to
hear their story, or they may lose confidence in you.

CIRCULAR QUESTIONS

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Instead of always asking direct questions, ask ‘circular questions’. A circular question is when
you ask one person a question about the relationship between two other people, or about
another people’s feelings, thoughts or ideas, but not their own. This helps to nurture richer
understanding and empathy between family members.

 What do you think dad/mum/etc. is most worried about?

 When Katie is sad, who is the first person to notice? Who is best at comforting her?
 When are mum and dad most likely to argue?
 Who in the family is most upset about moving?

EXPLORING THE PROBLEM

When problems happen in relationships they are not ‘in’ one person or the other: they are in
the space between them. It’s easier to manage the problem together if I don’t see the problem
as being ‘stuck’ in me, or as being ‘just your problem’.

 Explore the effect the problem is having on their relationship, their lives, their health, their
happiness and their spiritual lives.
 Explore the times when they were able to have an effect on the problem – such as a time
when the problem stayed away for a while, or they kept the problem from affecting them so
much.
 Explore what their relationship would look like if the problem disappeared completely. What
would they be thinking, feeling, doing and saying differently?
 Help them to work together creatively to find a way to diminish the effect of the problem on
their lives, or to chase away the unwanted ‘guest’/problem.

USE DIFFERENT WORDS

 
Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how
to answer everyone. Col. 4:6

Language is powerful. Think about the difference it makes when you use different words.

 Instead of ‘angry’ use the word ‘frustrated’. We are more likely to have compassion for
people we describe as frustrated than for those we describe as angry.
 When people hear another person’s idea and then say ‘That’s interesting, but I think…’
people feel are more likely to feel defensive and polarised. Encourage them to replace ‘but’
with ‘and’… ‘That’s interesting, and I think…so how can we work with both our ideas?’
which invites people to work together in a more collaborative and respectful way.
 Instead of asking: ‘Do you want to try this or do this…?’ Ask ‘Are you willing to try this?’
You will usually get a much more positive response.

SCALING
Scaling helps people to measure and compare the size of their problem, and

identify ways to reduce their problem. You can use it in all kinds of ways, and with all kinds of
problems, and it helps people to clarify where they are now, and what steps they need to take
next.

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 Draw a scale of 0-10 on a sheet of paper. You can put everyone’s marks on the same
scale, or give them separate scales to mark.
 Ask each person to mark how strongly they feel about their problem, or how they would
rate their relationship, etc., on a scale of 0-10.
 Look at the different ratings and wonder why they are similar or different etc.
 Ask: ‘What would it take for your relationship to move one scale-point closer to 10?’ etc.
Encourage them to be as specific as possible about what would be different in their
relationship if they went from 4 to 5, or from 6 to 7. This helps them to clarify what each
person needs to do to help their relationship improve.
 You can repeat this exercise at a future time to help them clarify the changes that have
taken place and to plan what they need to do to make further improvements.

UNDERSTANDING BELIEFS AND VALUES

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
gentleness and self-control. Gal. 5:22-23.

It is very important to understand people’s beliefs and values and how they are shaping their
relationships and responses.

 Invite the couple or family to make a list of their values, such as being kind, being
thoughtful, being generous etc.
 Ask ‘What is each person’s most important priority in this conflict situation, and why?’ ‘How
can you keep these values in mind when you arguing together?’ ‘How might you argue in a
kind way, or a generous way, or a thoughtful way, etc.?’

SLOW THINGS DOWN AND INTERRUPT THE UNHELPFUL PATTERN

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.

James 1:9

 It can be useful to track the different thoughts, feelings, beliefs, responses and ideas in a
family conversation or argument.
 Work together to make a ‘time line’ for an argument. What did each person say and do as
time progressed?
 Look at the timeline/script diagram that you have made together. Ask each person: What
could you have done or said differently at different points along this time line to prevent the
conversation becoming an argument? How can you break the pattern? What can you do
differently the next time you feel a similar kind of argument coming on?
 Write their new ideas on sticky notes and add them to the time line.
 Invite them to think of other creative ways of stopping an argument before it escalates.

ENCOURAGE EFFECTIVE LISTENING

Many arguments and conflicts happen because people are not really listening to each other.

 When you are working with people who aren’t listening very well to each other, use a
pencil to help them take turns speaking.
 Whoever has the pencil is allowed to talk and make one clear point.
 The other person has to listen well, and sum up what the speaker is saying after every few
sentences.

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 When one person has made a point, and it has been heard and summed up well, give the
pencil to the listener and let them make their point.
 This usually leads to calmer and more effective conversations.

TURN COMPLAINTS INTO POLITE REQUESTS

Transform complaining in this simple way:

 When you hear a complaint against a family member, ask the complainer to turn their
complaint into a polite and clear request using the following structure:
 When this specific thing happens…
 In this specific context…
 I feel…
 And it would really help me if you would…
 And then I could help you by…
So, ‘You’re so messy!’ might be

 ‘When your school books are left on the table

 While I am trying to make the dinner
 I feel frustrated
 And it would really help me if you could tidy them away an hour before dinner
 So that I could set the table and get your dinner ready more quickly.’
What’s the difference in these two messages?

THE MACHINE YOU REALLY NEED

Working together as a body. Romans 12:3-8

This activity is a fun way for the whole family to explore one of their challenges.

 Say: ‘Invent a machine that your family really needs. Not one you can buy, but one that
would solve one of your family’s problems.’
 Give them paper and pens and invite them to design their unique machine.
 Let them introduce their machines to each other and explain how they would work.
 Ask: ‘You can’t buy or make these machines, but how could each of you be a part of these
different amazing machines in your home?’

EMOTIONAL ‘PIES’
This is a simple way for everyone to understand how the other people in the family are feeling,
and how they can help them with some of their emotions. It often helps people to show more
understanding and empathy for each other, and to find ways to help and support each other.

 Give everyone a sheet of paper with a big circle on it, like a pie.
 Ask them to divide the circular ‘pie’ into sections to show what they are feeling at the
moment. How much of their pie is sadness, happiness, fear, worry, confusion, frustration,
etc.
 Look at each other’s pies. What do you notice? Are there any surprises? When are people
most likely to have these different feelings? What do they need from the other people in
the family when they feel sad, happy, stressed, worried, afraid, etc.?

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 Talk about emotions as invitations that we send out, inviting people to connect with us.
Ask: How do you like people to respond to you when you feel your different emotions?

DO THE RESEARCH

 Invite them to do some research for themselves and find at least three ways other people
have managed a similar problem.
 Encourage them to explore Christian websites for ideas.

TRY AN EXPERIMENT
When the couple or family have developed some different ideas to solve their problem,
encourage them to try an experiment. This helps them to be more open to trying new ideas
because they are not committing themselves to a change they haven’t tried first.

 Choose one solution and try it out for a week, noticing what went better and what didn’t go
so well.
 Then choose another solution and try it out for a week.
 Compare the two approaches. Which one worked best? Does the approach need adjusting
to make it work better? Do you need to try another kind of experiment?

REFLECTING TEAM
Family therapists often use a ‘reflecting team’ approach:

 One person leads the conversation with the family.

 The other person is a listener/helper. They look for strengths in the family. This person also
thinks of any ideas that may be useful for the family and writes their ideas down so they
don’t forget any of them.
 Just before the end of the session the person leading the conversation with the family turns
and talks to their listener/helper about the family.
 At this point the family or couple just sit and listen, and take note of any ideas they find
useful.
 The lead person and the helper/listener acknowledge the challenges the family is facing
 They talk about the strengths they have noticed in the family and in their relationships.
 They share some different ideas about what the family might be helpful.
 They let the family choose which ideas they want to try.
 Then they stop talking and ask the family members what they found most helpful about
their conversation, and what ideas they would like to try.

ENDING THE TIME TOGETHER

 End the session/conversation at the time you stated.
 Even if there are important things that the family want to talk about at the end of the
session, tell them that you want to hear about it the next time you meet, so that you have
more time to discuss it together properly.
 Invite everyone to say what they would like to do differently before you meet again, or after
this conversation.

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 Ask them to pause each evening and wonder: What Went Well? (WWW) Then write in a
notebook or diary three things that went well during the day, and thank God for them. This
helps them to focus on what is going well rather than what isn’t going so well. (Phil. 4:8)
 Close with prayer.
 Set another time to meet.
 After you leave reflect on the session and write down key points of the conversation; what
you did that went well; and what you would do differently next time.

KNOW WHEN YOU NEED TO REFER PEOPLE

These ideas are just simple questions and ideas that anyone can use. They are not a
replacement for therapy; they are just to give you some skills that can be useful when a
troubled family turns to you for help.

 If you suspect that there is any domestic violence or abuse you must follow the church’s
appropriate policies and procedures for protecting children and vulnerable people.
 Also, if you suspect that someone has mental health issues, is potentially suicidal, or has
experienced trauma or loss, or isn’t coping very well with life, then encourage them to seek
professional help as soon as they can.
 Make sure you know what help is available for families and couples in your area, and
which professionals you can turn to.
 Encourage people to seek professional help because the sooner they do so, the easier it
will be to help them, and the less sessions they will need/have to pay for! Christians can be
some of the hardest people to help in counseling and therapy because they often wait too
long before going for help.

KEEP LEARNING

 Keep reading and learning about relationships.

 Try out these ideas in your own family first, so that you can experience how they work.
 Watch webinars and TED talks.
 Attend day conferences and workshops about families and relationships.
 Visit uk.pinterest.com/AFTBranches/useful-youtube-and-ted-clips/ for a collection of online
talks and workshops about relationships. You can click on anything that interests you and
watch them straight away.

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USING RELATIONAL STRENGTHENERS (NEEDS, OR HOPES) WITH COUPLES AND
FAMILIES

Top ten relational strengtheners (responsive actions that build attachment):

Acceptance Comfort

Affection Encouragement

Appreciation/thanks Respect

Approval/treasured Security/feeling safe

Attention Support/help

Each time a need is met, or a hope is fulfilled, the relationship is strengthened, and people
tend to feel closer. When needs and hopes are not fulfilled, we feel more isolated and distant
from each other.

Copy the relational needs/hopes cards. Print and cut at least one set for each person so they
can see them, write notes on them, move them around, etc.

Adults can identify and meet each other’s needs and hopes.

Adults can identify and meet their children’s needs and hopes.

Children are not expected to meet their parents’ needs, but they can learn to be appreciative
(thankful) and supportive (helpful). They can also be very good at identifying their parents’
needs!

Invite family members to guess what each other’s top three needs or hopes might be, and how
they might like to have them met.

ASK QUESTIONS LIKE:

• Who shows most appreciation (or other need) and how do they show it?
• What are all the different ways you can think of to comfort each other? (or meet any other
need)
• What might each of you say and do to meet the other’s different relational needs?
• If someone has a need, how might they let other people know what their need is?

When thinking about a specific conflict or crisis ask what they think each other’s needs and
hopes might have been at different times during the interaction.

Make ‘menus’ of the ways different needs and hopes can be met, to widen the family’s
repertoire of responses.

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EXPERIMENT. Encourage adults to do or say one thing to meet each of the other family
member’s top three needs or hopes, at least once a day, and see what happens.

If someone talks of feeling overwhelmed by emotions, or has an angry or frustrated outburst,

‘meltdown’ or any other challenge they find hard to handle, encourage them to identify the
relational needs or hopes that they would like others to meet at this time. This can help to
clarify the communication in the behaviour, and invite others to be supportive and
understanding. This will also help people to identify when they’re ‘hungry’ for a relational need
to be met, just as they can tell when they’re hungry for food, or thirsty for water.

When one person complains, invite the others to guess what need or hope the person might
have, and what they can do to meet that need. Also invite the person to reword their complaint
to express their need clearly. ‘You never listen to me!’ can become, ‘I’d really like to have your
full attention when I’m talking to you.’

Have each person in the family spy on the others, noting down whenever they see someone
else meet a relational need within the family.

These are just ten of the most common relational needs and hopes people have. There are
many more, but it’s simplest to limit them to ten. What other relational needs would you add to
the list?

Karen Holford
TED Family Ministries

Thanks to Dr. David Ferguson from ‘Intimate Life Ministries’ for introducing the concept of relational needs.

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 Affection Comfort
Loving words and actions Soothing each other
when life is hard

Attention Encouragement
Spending focussed time with each other – in Encouraging each other
the other person’s world towards their own goals

Acceptance Respect
Willingly and warmly accepting another Treating each other
person, even when they’ve messed up politely and fairly

Appreciation Security
Thanking each other for doing kind and helpful Keeping each other safe from fear and harm
things

Approval Support
Valuing each other Helping each other

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