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Bad Hats Theatre’s

ALICE IN WONDERLAND
(SOULPEPPER REHEARSAL DRAFT 2022)
Adapted by Fiona Sauder
Music by Landon Doak and Victor Pokinko
Dramaturgy by Matt Pilipiak
Directed by Sue Miner
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[ CASTING BREAKDOWN ]

Tess Benger …………………….………………………………………...……………….ALICE

Landon Doak ……………………....……………………………………………………….TODD

………………………..…………………………………………………CARD FIVE
………………………..……………………………………………TWEEDLE DUM
………………………..………………………………………………MAD HATTER

Jessica Gallant ……………………..………………………………………………………NICOLA

………………………..………………………………………………………DUCK
………………………..…………………………………..……………CARD FOUR
………………………..…………………………………….…………………ROSE
………………………..……………………………..……………………UNICORN

Aisha Jarvis …..…………………..……….………….…………..………………CHESHIRE CAT

Breton Lalama …..…...………………….………………………………………………….BUDDY

………………………….…………………….……………………..…………OWL
……………………………………………………………………………CARD SIX
………………………………….…………………….……..…………BUTTERCUP
……………………………………………………………..…………CATERPILLAR

Richard Lam ……………………..………………..……………..……………..………DOUGGIE

………………………..…………………….………..………………………DODO
………………………..……………………………..…….……………………LILY
………………………..……………………..….…..…………………CARD SEVEN

Matt Pilipiak ………………………..……………………………..…………..……MR. CHARLES

………………………..……………………………..………………………RABBIT

Fiona Sauder ……………………..……………………………..…………………….………TOD

………………………..……………………………..…………………CARD EIGHT
………………………..……………………………...………………TWEEDLE DEE
……………………..………………………………..………….……MARCH HARE

Vanessa Sears ………………………..……………………………..……………..…………RUBY

………………………..……………………………..…………………RED QUEEN
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[ PROLOGUE ]

(ALICE enters, she puts her ear to the floor. Listens.)

CAT: (To the audience) Do you hear that? Listen…

(The CAT and ALICE listen together. There is a hum. The other students enter, they
listen too. A bigger hum.)

[ 0. QUESTIONS PROLOGUE ]

SOMETHING’S STARTING
THE CLOCK IS TICKING, TICKING...

(Thunder. A school bell rings. A classroom appears. The students, ALICE, NICOLA,
BUDDY, DOUGGIE, TOD, TODD, & RUBY pour into the room, talking at once. ALICE
stares at a clock on the wall. There are two in the classroom, one has stopped.)

[ THE CLASSROOM ]

ALICE: What time is it?

TOD: Did you do the homework?

TODD: Uuuhhhhhh…

DOUGGIE: It’s a beautiful Tuesday.

NICOLA: Yeah, I like the rain too.

BUDDY: It’s Wednesday.

TODD: I did the homework, in a way.

DOUGGIE: Wednesday already?

RUBY: Ew, chew with your mouth closed, pleased.

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DOUGGIE: Then how would I breathe?

ALICE: Did this clock stop? What time is it?

RUBY: Time for class. Everyone should sit down.

NICOLA: What did you put for 6b?

TOD/
TODD: There was a 6b?

ALICE: Can a clock stop? Because, time is still going right?

BUDDY: I wrote 25. Then I drew this picture of myself as an angel.

NICOLA: I wrote a poem.

DOUGGIE: I wrote ‘The Bonsai Tree’!

BUDDY: That’s tomorrow’s homework, you dodo!

ALICE: But, what does that mean - time is going…

DOUGIE: (Checking the homework assignment) Ohhhhh…

ALICE: Where is it going?

NICOLA: (To Dougie) You were supposed to do this section.

DOUGIE: “All about you”. I’m supposed to answer questions about you?

BUDDY: No, you. It’s questions about yourself.

RUBY: Like what time were you born?

BUDDY: What kind of house do you want?

NICOLA: What’s the last dream you remember?

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RUBY: Is that one of the questions?

NICOLA: It should be.

ALICE: (To Ruby) Can I see your watch?

RUBY: Why? It’s mine. It’s new. It’s red.

ALICE: I need to know what time it is.

RUBY: I told you, it’s time for class. Or it was. Where’s our teacher?

TODD: What did you put for ‘favourite fruit’?

TOD: Twizzlers.

TODD: Nice.

RUBY: Class started five minutes ago!

ALICE: But did it? Because this clock says nine o’clock, right?

DOUGGIE: Right.

ALICE: But that one says eight twenty.

TODD: Wait.

TOD/TODD: *What?

ALL: *Woahh…

ALICE: So maybe class hasn’t started at all.

TODD: Then why are we all here?

RUBY: That clock is wrong.

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NICOLA: Maybe all clocks are wrong.

ALICE: Exactly. How do we know? If this one is actually right then I still have time to
finish my homework.

RUBY: You didn’t do it either?!

ALICE: Well I tried!

DOUGGIE: What should I put for number twelve?

RUBY: That’s the most important question!

BUDDY: Do you ever do your homework on time?

DOUGGIE: Time is a concert.

RUBY: It’s ‘construct’.

NICOLA Number twelve: What do you want to be when you grow up?

TODD: Easy. Pilot.

TOD: Easy. Co-Pilot.

BUDDY: I wrote ‘I’ll be ten different things before I’m thirty and then I’ll be a super
Model’

NICOLA: I said ‘I just want to be kind’.

DOUGGIE: Maybe I'll be a garbage man.

RUBY: I said ‘CEO’.

TODD: What’s a CEO?

TOD: It’s a type of dentist.

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TODD: Oh, right.

NICOLA: What did you write, Alice?

TODD: (Seeing ALICE’s homework.) Woah.

TOD: That’s a lot of stuff.

ALICE: They’re just ideas. I haven’t decided yet.

RUBY: You have to decide.

BUDDY: Yeah, just pick something!

NICOLA: I can help you with your presentation.

TOD: Wait.

TOD/TODD: We have to do a presentation?!

(MR. CHARLES bursts through the door wrestling with an umbrella.)

MR C: Hello! Hello! I’m late. I know. All this rain! I’m sorry. I’m here. Just give me a
moment to settle in.

DOUGGIE: Aaaaand done. I said: When I grow up, I’m going to be an expert.

NICOLA: Oo, an expert in what?

DOUGGIE: That is a question an expert could answer.

MR. C: Alright, let’s take our seats. Before we begin, there’s a few announcements. First,
for the field trip next Monday this is a reminder to bring a life jacket or see Ms.
Pepper to borrow one from the school.

TOD: (To TODD) Do you have a life jacket?

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TODD: We can share one.

MR. C: Next, a big congratulations to the winner of last week’s chess tournament!
(Referring to Ruby)
TOD/
TODD: Congratulations!

MR. C: And lastly, a reminder that our bake sale is on Friday, so please sign up for what
you’re going to bring.

RUBY: Can you put me down for tarts? I’m growing the raspberries myself.

MR. C: Wonderful. Alright. Now, is everyone ready for their presentations

this morning?

RUBY: I laminated my answers.

MR. C: Wow. I look forward to hearing what you all want to be when you grow up but
first let's dive in with our morning warm up questions. Can everyone open their
books to page twelve? Quick, quick like bunnies! Who wants to read? (BUDDY’s
hand is up.) Go ahead.

BUDDY: (Reading) Use your brain and track the train. Number One: If a train is scheduled
to arrive at Twelve O’Clock is a quarter of an hour late, what time will the train
arrive?

MR. C: Anyone? Yes. (TODD’s hand is up.)

TODD: Twelve...thirteen?

TOD/TODD: Twelve thirteen!

MR. C: Close. The answer is Twelve Fifteen.

TODD: Wait.

TOD/TODD: What?
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MR. C: Next question. (RUBY’s hand is up) Go ahead.

RUBY: If a train scheduled to arrive at 11:05 is fifty-five minutes late, what time
will the train arrive?

(ALICE & BUDDY raise their hands.)

MR. C: Anyone? Yes.

BUDDY: Noon.

RUBY: No, twelve o’clock.

NICOLA: That’s the same thing.

RUBY: You have to answer with numbers, not words.

DOUGGIE: That’s the policy.

MR. C: That’s right. Next question? (ALICE’s hand is up) Alice, do you want to read?

ALICE: Well, sure. But I actually have a question first.

MR. C: We're just doing answers now, we don’t have time for questions.

ALICE: Just quick! I’m sorry.

MR. C: What is it?

ALICE: Why are all the trains late?

MR. C: I beg your pardon?

ALICE: The trains in the questions. Why are they late?

MR. C: Well…sometimes trains are late.

ALICE: Why?
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MR. C: They just are.

ALICE: Why?

MR. C: Alice.

ALICE: Is it the weather? If it’s Winter, there could be a snowstorm. Snow always makes
things late.

DOUGGIE: I once got stuck in a snowbank for two hours.

MR. C: No, no, there’s no snowstorm.

ALICE: Why?

MR. C: Because It’s um…Summer. Alright?

ALICE: Oh, so maybe the trains got too hot?

NICOLA: Can trains overheat?

MR. C: No.

ALICE: So, maybe the trains are broken?

MR C: The trains are all working.

TOD: Not very well, if they’re all so late.

MR C: Let’s move on to the next section. (RUBY raises her hand) Thank you, go ahead.

RUBY: A twelve o’clock train speeds up until it’s twenty minutes ahead of schedule -

ALICE: Okay, wait!

MR. C: Alice!
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ALICE: Why is the train speeding up?

MR. C: Can we just answer the questions?

ALICE: That’s what I’m trying to do.

RUBY: It’s a hypothetical scenario!

MR. C: That’s right. Very good. The trains aren’t real.

ALICE: Oh…so real trains are always on time.

MR. C: Yes! Well, no. They’re not.

ALICE: Then why is there a schedule?

RUBY: BECAUSE EVERYTHING HAS A SCHEDULE!

MR. C: You know what? I think we’re good on our morning warm up questions. Let’s
move onto our presentations. Alice, since you have so much to say, why don’t
you go first.

ALICE: Oh, ummmm.

MR. C: Alice, did you do the homework?

ALICE: I did! (ALICE goes to the front of the class) I mean, almost, it’s just the last
question. It’s a big question you know - what I want to be? And the more I think
about it the more I change my mind.

MR. C: Well, everyone has to pick something.

ALICE: And why do we have to answer this question anyway? When am I even going to
be a grown up? Not for a long time, right?

MR. C: Well, you’re all young adults now. That’s the whole point of the assignment.

ALICE: But I just...need more time.

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MR. C: Alice, everyone else seemed to find the time to do their homework.

ALICE: Oh. Where did they find it?

MR. C: Find what?

ALICE: The time? (The class laughs)

MR. C: Okay, enough Alice! Move your desk to the corner.

CLASS: Oooo…

ALICE: But -

MR. C: No buts. Go. (ALICE moves her desk to the corner.)

TOD: (To TODD) Psst. Butts.

MR. C: Shhh! Everyone look over your answers, we’ll start presentations in a minute.
(To ALICE) Alice, I’m going to give you ten minutes to finish your assignment,
okay? Watch the clock and I’ll come back to check on you.

ALICE: But there’s two clocks, which clock do I watch?

MR. C: Alice. It doesn’t matter. Your time starts now.

ALICE: But there’s two different now’s - so which now is it?

MR. C: Alice! There’s not enough time in the world for all your questions. Just pick an
answer. Sit here, and focus. And no looking out the window.

[ 1. CURIOUS ]

ALICE: I CAN’T HELP BUT WONDER

WHY DON’T OTHERS WONDER TOO?

(The sounds of the classroom.)

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LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW

I AM TRYING HARD NOT TO

(Sounds of the classroom, quieter this time.)

AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO

WHY DON’T OTHERS WONDER TOO?

Hey, it stopped raining! How does it change so fast? I wonder if every time it…
No. I wonder if – stop. I wonder if - Alice. Don’t do that. You’ll get in trouble.
Nothing to see out there. Eyes on the clock…

(We hear the clock ticking. ALICE looks out the window.)

THERE’S A CLOUD OUT THERE…

THERE ARE CLOUDS HANGING IN THE SKY

EVERY TIME THAT I TAKE A LOOK OUTSIDE
THAT ONE LOOKS LIKE A TURTLE
DOES IT KNOW WHAT TURTLES LOOK LIKE?
DOES IT KNOW THAT IT LOOKS LIKE A TURTLE?
THAT IT’S EVEN A CLOUD?
THAT ONE LOOKS LIKE A MOUSE!
THAT ONE’S A RABBIT, I WONDER WHAT THAT IS
A MONKEY, A MUSHROOM,
OR MAYBE TWO LOBSTERS BOTH DANCING ALONG?

No. Stop it, Alice. They’re just clouds. No lobsters, no turtles, no rabbits.
Wait…is that an actual rabbit?

HOW’D THAT RABBIT GET INTO THE SCHOOL YARD?

WHERE’D HE COME FROM? WHERE’S HE GOING?
OH, THAT’S INTERESTING...

No, Alice. It’s not. Don’t look out the window. Don’t even think about looking out
the window.
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DON’T THINK ABOUT THE RABBIT

DON’T THINK ABOUT IT, ABOUT THE RABBIT

ALL: THINK ABOUT THE RABBIT…

ALICE: DON’T THINK ABOUT IT, ABOUT THE RABBIT

THINK ABOUT THE RABBIT
DON’T THINK ABOUT IT, ABOUT THE RABBIT

ALL: THINK ABOUT THE RABBIT

ALICE: DON’T THINK ABOUT IT, ABOUT THE RABBIT...

Wait! Is he wearing a vest? Do rabbits usually wear vests?

IT DOESN’T MATTER
IT DOESN’T, IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER
NO, IT DOESN’T MATTER, IT DOESN’T
IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER
IT DOESN’T MATTER
IT DOESN’T, IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER

ALL: NO

ALICE: IT DOESN’T MATTER

IT DOESN’T ALL: IT DOES
IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER

IT ISN’T INTERESTING FOR ME TO SEE A RABBIT WEAR A VEST

IT ISN’T INTERESTING FOR ME TO SEE A RABBIT WITH A POCKET WATCH AND -

ALL: WAIT, WHAT?!

ALICE: IT’S GOT A POCKET WATCH, OH MY GOSH, IT HAS GOT A POCKET WATCH
IT’S GOT A POCKET WATCH, OH MY GOSH, HE HAS GOT A POCKET -
HE DROPPED HIS POCKET WATCH

ALL: OH MY GOSH
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ALICE: HE JUST DROPPED HIS POCKET WATCH

HE DROPPED HIS POCKET WATCH

ALL: OH MY GOSH

ALICE: HE JUST DROPPED HIS POCKET WATCH

IT DOESN’T MATTER IT DOESN’T IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER

OH, IT DOESN’T MATTER, IT DOESN’T
IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER
IT DOESN’T MATTER IT DOESN’T IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER
NO, IT DOESN’T MATTER IT DOESN’T IT DOESN’T EVEN

Stop!

I’M NOT THINKING, I’M NOT INTERESTED

I’M NOT THINKING ABOUT
ALL: POCKET WATCH, POCKET WATCH, RABBITS!!

ALICE: I’M NOT THINKING THAT HE NEEDS MY HELP

SHOULD I GO PICK UP HIS
ALL: POCKET WATCH, POCKET WATCH, I’M NOT
ALICE: I’M NOT

ALL: CURIOUS

ALICE: I’M NOT

ALL: INTERESTED
IT DOESN’T MATTER, IT DOESN’T, IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER

ALICE: I’M NOT

ALL: CURIOUS

ALICE: I’M NOT

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ALL: INTERESTED

ALL: IT DOESN’T MATTER, IT DOESN’T, IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER

ALICE: I’M NOT

ALL: CURIOUS

ALICE: I’M NOT

ALL: INTERESTED
IT DOESN’T MATTER, IT DOESN’T
IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER
NO IT DOESN’T MATTER
IT DOESN’T, IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER

ALICE: OH, IT DOESN’T MATTER, IT DOESN’T

IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER
NO, IT DOESN’T MATTER, IT DOESN’T
IT DOESN’T EVEN
Wait! Mr. Rabbit!

(ALICE opens the window and climbs out into the schoolyard. The RABBIT is
running across the yard. ALICE follows him.)

RABBIT: I’m late! I’m late! Oh, what’s the time!?

ALICE: Wait! Your watch! Mr. Rabbit, wait!

RABBIT: Quick, quick, like a bunny! I’m late! I’m late!

ALICE: Oh, wait!

RABBIT: No time! No time! I’m late!

(The RABBIT disappears down a rabbit hole.)

[ 2. RABBIT HOLE ]
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ALICE: He’s gone into this hole. Is this where he lives? Mr. Rabbit? Hellooooo?? Do you
mind if I come in?

(ALICE crawls into the hole after the rabbit.)

… Mr. Rabbit? I don’t mean to bother you, I just wanted to give you your
waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatch!!!!

(ALICE falls down the rabbit hole.)

ALL: WOAH!

[ THE RABBIT HOLE ]

ALICE: This is a funny feeling. Either this hole is really deep or I’m falling really slowly.
Does it take the same amount of time to do something slow very fast as it does
to do something fast very slow? Hello?? Where am I? Mr. Rabbit? Can you tell me
when I’ll hit the bottom? No, not hit! I don’t want to hit the bottom!

ALL: WOAH!

ALICE: Things always take longer when you don’t know where you’re going. But coming
back always feels so quick. Why is that? How long have I been falling now?
Maybe I’ll fall right through the centre of the earth, and come out on the other
side. Or will I just keep falling and falling…on and on… lost and falling forever
and ever…

ALL: WOAH!

ALICE: Ouff!

(Alice lands at the bottom of the hole. There is a ticking.)

Where am I? Helloooooo?!

[ THE HALL OF DOORS ]

HALLWAY: (Hellooooooo, Hellooooooo, Hellooooo)

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ALICE: Is anybody there?

HALLWAY: (There, there, there)

ALICE: Are you a ghost?

HALLWAY: (Ghost, Ghost, Ghost) (No, Are you, you, you?)

ALICE: Me? No, I’m not a ghost. I’m Alice!

HALLWAY: (Alice, Alice, Alice) (What’s an Alice, Alice, Alice?)

ALICE: An Alice is me!

HALLWAY: (Me, me, me) (Who are you, you, you?)

ALICE: Well, now we’re just going in circles.

CAT: Sometimes that’s a very good way of going.

ALICE: Oh, hello.

CAT: Hello. How are you?

ALICE: Fine, thank you.

CAT: You are?

ALICE: No, actually, I’m lost.

CAT: Then why did you say you were fine?

ALICE: I’m not really sure.

CAT: That’s alright. I’ve never been really sure of anything.

ALICE: Who are you exactly?

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CAT: Well, that’s just it, I could never say exactly as I’m not entirely certain, but I do
feel as though I’m a cat.

ALICE: A cat?

CAT: A Cheshire cat.

ALICE: What’s Cheshire?

CAT: A type of cheese.

ALICE: Oh. I’m looking for a white rabbit. Have you seen him?

CAT: Oh, yes!

ALICE: Oh good!

CAT: It was last month, I believe...

ALICE: Oh.

CAT: Though it could have been this morning, it’s very hard to say when.

ALICE: Why?

CAT: I never know if it’s when or h-when.

ALICE: No, I meant why don’t you remember when you saw the Rabbit?

CAT: I’ve never been able to keep track of Time.

ALICE: Neither have I.

CAT: That’s the Queen’s business, you know.

ALICE: The Queen? There’s a Queen here? Where is she?

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CAT: Hard to say. You could try the door.

HALLWAY: DOOR, DOOR, DOOR, DOOR

(The hallway is suddenly filled with doors.)

ALICE: Oh. Which one do I choose?

CAT: Well that depends entirely on where you want to get to.

ALICE: Well, I don’t know.

CAT: Then it really doesn’t matter which you choose.

ALICE: Do I know you?

CAT: I don’t know. Do you?

ALICE: I’m Alice.

CAT: Curious.

ALICE: What is?

CAT: You are.

ALICE: How do you know I’m curious?

CAT: Oh, you must be, or you wouldn’t have come here.

ALICE: I didn’t come here, I fell here!

CAT: Curiouser and curiouser…

(Suddenly the RABBIT bursts through a door.)

RABBIT: Oh, my eyes, and ears, and whiskers, I’m Late! So late!!!
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ALICE: Mr. Rabbit!

RABBIT: What are you doing? You can’t wait here. This is not a designated waiting area.

ALICE: I’m not waiting.

RABBIT: Then you should get going! The rule is: if you’re not going, you’re waiting, and if
you’re not going or waiting - you’re late!

ALICE: But I don’t know what I'm late for!

RABBIT: Oh, that can happen. Sometimes if I don’t know where I’m supposed to be, I just
show up somewhere and apologize. Don’t repeat that. Have you got the time?!

ALICE: I...yes! Here! Your pocket watch!

RABBIT: Oh! My watch! Thank you very much (checking the watch) AHHHH! I’m LATE!

ALICE: What are you so late for?

RABBIT: The Queen! The Queen! She’ll have my head!

ALICE: Do you work for the Queen?

RABBIT: Everyone works for the Queen.

ALICE: I don’t.

RABBIT: What? Who are you?

ALICE: I’m Alice.

RABBIT: What’s an ‘Alice’? I’ve never heard of that. What’s your name?

ALICE: Alice!

RABBIT: Can I call you Mary Ann?

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ALICE: No.

RABBIT: Look, Mary Ann, I haven’t the time. You better get going.

ALICE: Where?

RABBIT: On? With your business! What is this, your first time here?

ALICE: Yes.

RABBIT: WHAT?! And you haven’t been to see the Queen? Oh, this is a disaster!

ALICE: Why?

RABBIT: Every new arrival needs to see the Queen and be given a position. That’s the
rule! It’s the most important rule!

ALICE: Why?

RABBIT: I don’t have time for all your questions. The Queen is the only one around here
with any spare time, and even she’s running out. Don’t tell her I said that.

ALICE: So you’ll introduce me to the Queen?

RABBIT: You have to book an appointment!

ALICE: How do I do that?

RABBIT: You have to call the receptionist!

ALICE: Who’s the receptionist?

RABBIT: I am! (They’re suddenly in the receptionist office) Welcome! Let’s see what we
can do for you! (Checking his log) Hmm, we’ll just have to squeeze you in. Don’t
ask me how - you’re already so late. Come on, then. Keep up! Quick, quick like a
bunny!

(The RABBIT goes through another door and shuts it behind himself.)
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RABBIT: Slam!

HALLWAY: (Slam, Slam, Slam)

ALICE: Wait! Mr. Rabbit! (Trying the door) It’s locked!

RABBIT: I don’t have time! Use the key!

ALICE: What key? (A key appears) Oh. How do I get up there? (A small bottle appears.
ALICE reads the label on the bottle.) “Drink Me”? Ok. (ALICE drinks from the
bottle. The CAT appears.)

[ 3. FLAVOURS ]

ALICE: Mmmm
IT TASTES LIKE STRAWBERRY - NO
WHAT IS THAT FLAVOUR?
DOES IT TASTE GOOD OR FEEL BAD?
CAT: CAN YOU FEEL FLAVOURS?

ALICE: I’M FEELING BIGGER INSIDE

I’M GROWING SOMEWHERE
CAT /
ALICE: TALLER OR SMALLER?

ALICE: EITHER THE HALLWAYS CAN SHRINK

OR I GOT BIGGER
I SEE THE KEY WAY UP HIGH
CAT: YOU’RE GETTING NEARER

ALICE: I’VE ALMOST GOT IT AND - YES!

BUT I KEEP GROWING…
CAT /
ALICE: GROWING AND GROWING!

ALICE: Is something inside of me pushing out?

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CAT: Or is something outside of you pulling?

ALICE: Is there more of me than there was before, or just the same amount in a
different shape? How do I make it stop?

CAT: Can you make it stop?

ALICE: What shape am I now? What shape is a - OW!

(ALICE’s head bumps against the ceiling.)

Is this the ceiling? Am I fifty feet tall?! I’m stuck! Help! Hellooo!!

HALLWAY: (Hello, hello, hello)

ALICE: Can you help me? I’m stuck!

HALLWAY: (Stuck, stuck, stuck) (How did you get stuck, stuck, stuck?)

ALICE: I don’t know what happened, this room is too small.

HALLWAY: (This room is the perfect size, thank you very much!) (Maybe you’re too big!)

[ THE POOL OF TEARS ]

[ 3A. POOL OF TEARS ]

ALICE: Well, I couldn’t help it! (ALICE begins to cry.) No, don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry!
…wait…Is the crying making me shrink!? Okay, um, um, um, sad
things! Okay – Lost dogs, dropping your ice cream, forgetting your lunch…it’s
working! Okay, um, smiling at someone who doesn’t smile back, being lied to,
being laughed at in the bad way, always wasting everyone’s tiiiiiiiime!

(ALICE is swept up by the pool her tears have created. A DODO, DUCK, and OWL
swim past ALICE in the pool.)

DODO: Ahoy, ahoy! Fine day for a swim?

ALICE: Oh, hello. Could you tell me how to get to the shore?
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OWL: You mean, ahoy!

DUCK: We’re at sea, don’t you know.

DODO: I see you’re admiring our stroke.

OWL: We do it upside down so the rain can’t get in.

ALICE: Don’t flocks of birds usually fly?

OWL: Fly?

DUCK: No.

DODO: That’s not the policy.

DUCK: And we’re not a flock, dear.

OWL: We’re a parliament.

ALICE: A what?

DUCK: A flock of birds such as ours is called a parliament of birds.

DODO: And we’re experts in our field.

ALICE: What exactly is your field?

DUCK: Well, no one really knows.

OWL: That’s the beauty of a parliament!

DODO: We mostly form committees to talk about the best policies for forming
committees to talk about policies.

BIRDS: For her majesty the Queen!

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ALICE: Well I have an appointment with the Queen, and -

BIRDS: (GASP)

DUCK: With the Queen?

OWL: You can’t be late!

DODO: We’ll get you to shore!

DUCK /
OWL: There’s a policy for that.

DODO: (Producing policy papers, reading) Let’s see. Protocol for wearing floppy hats?
No.

OWL: (Reading) How to calm down a rabbit? Oo, that’s long.

DUCK: (Reading) Seven ways to make your breakfast lizard-free.

DODO: Save that for later. Aha! How to get to shore on shore-t notice. Well, that was
clever of us. (The BIRDS agree)

ALICE: Oh! There’s the shore! I’ll just swim.

ALL: (WOOSH)

DODO: Nonsense! We’ll follow the policy.

OWL/
DUCK: Much faster.

DODO: The first section is…ooo a race! Racers ready? On my whistle...BANG!

[ 4. CAUCUS RACE ]

DODO: FIRST, GIVE A SHAKE SO YOU WAKE UP YOUR FUR OR FEATHERS

IT’S A STRANGE KIND OF RACE WE DON’T RACE TOGETHER
 27

NEXT, GIVE A PAT TO YOUR BACK AND THEN GET DOWN REAL LOW
TIE YOUR FOOT TO YOUR SHOE AND GET READY TO GO…

OWL: THEN GO SWIMMING BACK AND FORTH

PRETEND YOU’RE RIDING ON A HORSE
DUCK: THAT BUCKS YOU OFF AND KICKS YOUR HEAD
YOU’RE SLOWING DOWN YOU’RE NEARLY DEAD
OWL: YOU CALL FOR HELP AND THEN YOUR FRIEND
DUCK: REMINDS YOU THAT IT’S JUST PRETEND AND
BIRDS: OH, WHAT A JOKE
DODO: GIDDY UP DON’T MOVE SO SLOW!
ALL: SWIM
DODO: WE CAN MAKE IT TO SHORE IF WE SOAR ON A WHIM
BIRDS: WE HAVE DONE THIS BEFORE SO OF COURSE WE WILL WIN
(Underwater) BLUB BLUB BLUB BLUB BLUB BLUB BLUB
BLUB BLUB BLUB BLUB BLUB BLUB BLUB BLUB
DODO: PUT SUGAR ON YOUR CEREAL
DUCK: WE DON’T HAVE BOWLS
DODO: HOW TYPICAL!
WHAT COMES NEXT? NOW I FORGET
AH, THERE IT IS! RIGHT IN THE TEXT
AND- OH.
WAIT, OH NO.
HURRY UP IT’S TIME TO GO!

ALICE: WAIT, CAN WE SWIM TO THE SHORE

DODO: WELL OF COURSE BUT NOT YET
GOTTA FOLLOW THE RULES AND THE STEP THAT IS NEXT
ALL: CAUSE THE RULES HAVE NOT FAILED US YET!

RABBIT: Oh, my whiskers, I’m late! I’m late!

ALICE: Mister Rabbit!

DODO: WHY, SEE THE RABBIT HE HAS IT HE REALLY CAN FLY

ATTA BOY, YOU CAN JOIN!
RABBIT: NO, NO THANK YOU, GOODBYE!!

DODO: NEXT ROUND!

 28

ALMOST AT THE FINISH LINE

WE’LL MAKE TO TO THE SHORE ON TIME
AND EVER’Y SINGLE STEP AND EV’RY BEAT
FOLLOWED MAKES A PERFECT MASTERPIECE
YOU BEHIND, LIFT UP YOUR BEAK
YOU’RE ALMOST DONE, SO HURRY PLEASE
NOW STOP

ALICE: Thank you very -

DODO: And now section two!

ALICE: But we’re already on shore!

OWL: So we must get back in the water!

BIRDS: That’s the policy!

DODO: FIRST….

(The BIRDS fade away. The RABBIT runs past again)

RABBIT: And now my vest is all wet, Mary Ann, do you have a towel? Oh this won’t do at
all. She’ll have my head!! (He runs off)

ALICE: Mister Rabbit! Where did he go!?

(The path gives a sudden lurch and sends ALICE walking in a different direction.)

Why won’t this path take me where I want to go?

(The CAT appears.)

CAT: That’s a good question.

ALICE: It seems like a simple path.

CAT: Well, paths love to seem. I once came upon one that seemed never to end.
 29

ALICE: And did it?

CAT: No, it hasn’t yet.

ALICE: Didn’t I just come from here?

CAT: Often right before you arrive where you’re going, you end up back where you
began, you know.

ALICE: What does that mean?

CAT: I’m not sure.

ALICE: Well, if it’s true, to get where I’m going, I’d need to walk the other way. But
that’s backwards. Do you think this path is meant to be walked backwards?

CAT: That’s a good question.

(The CAT and ALICE walk backward.)

ALICE: It’s working!

CAT: Why do some things work better backwards?

ALICE: Maybe it’s because you don’t worry so much about where you’re going. You can
see where you’ve been, so at least you know not to go in that direction.

CAT: Do you hear that? Listen… (The CAT disappears.)

[ THE RED QUEEN ]

(ALICE arrives. The RED QUEEN is playing a game of CARDS.)

FIVE: Do you have a five?

R QUEEN: Go fish.
 30

(The crowd applauds, politely.)

RABBIT: Brilliant play, your majesty.

R QUEEN: Shuffle the deck!

CARDS: Shuffling! Shuffling!

ALICE: Mr. Rabbit!

RABBIT: Shhhh. Don’t talk to me, Mary Ann. I’m at work!

R QUEEN: Call the next player!

RABBIT: Next player!

ALICE: I’ll play!

R QUEEN: What’s this, is it on the schedule?

ALICE: *Yes!

RABBIT: *No.

R QUEEN: Oh?

ALICE: Mr. Rabbit said I could -

RABBIT: Your majesty, I thought you might…squeeze her in…

R QUEEN: Squeeze…her…in? Is she a lemon?

RABBIT: Well, it’s hard to say your majesty, citrus is a fascinating -

R QUEEN: Do you have a name?

ALICE: *I’m Alice.

 31

RABBIT: *Mary Ann.

R QUEEN: Yes, that’s what I thought.

R QUEEN: Do you play cards?

ALICE: I like crazy eights…

EIGHT: I’m not CRAZY!!!

R QUEEN: What’s your business here?

ALICE: Well, I didn’t mean to come here, your majesty, I sort of lost my way.

R QUEEN: Your way? All the ways here belong to Me. (The CARDS applaud)

ALICE: Where is here exactly?

R QUEEN: Oh. Why this…is Wonderland…

(The QUEEN parts the crowd, revealing the vista of Wonderland.)

ALICE: Wow…it’s so…

R QUEEN: I know…

ALICE: It reminds me of something...It’s...it’s a chessboard! All the little squares! It’s laid
out just like a game of chess!

R QUEEN: That’s right. (Suddenly) Come on!

(They begin to run very fast.)

ALICE: Where are we going?! Slow down!

R QUEEN: Nonsense! Faster!

ALICE: Why are we –

 32

R QUEEN: Keep up! Faster! FASTER! STOP!

(They stop. Everyone is out of breath except the QUEEN.)

Here we are.

ALICE: But…we’re exactly where we were before!

R QUEEN: What did you expect? It takes all the running you can do just to keep in the same
place. Stop for too long and you’ll be left behind altogether!

ALICE: Well, I’m new here -

R QUEEN: Aha! A new arrival! She needs a position, a purpose, a job! What’s
available? (The RABBIT brings a list) Maintenance, landscaping, clock-winding,
are you interested in sales?

ALICE: Uhhh

RABBIT: What about banking?

R QUEEN: She's too short for that. (Back to the list) Let’s see. Plumber, Drummer, Assistant
drummer, Cheese grater -

RABBIT: Scribe?

R QUEEN: Does she know languages? (To ALICE) What’s the french for fiddle-dee-dee?

ALICE: Well, Fiddle-dee-dee isn’t english.

R QUEEN: Whoever said it was? (Back to the list) What’s left?

RABBIT: Astrology,

R QUEEN: Cosmetology,

RABBIT: Turtle-ology,
 33

R QUEEN: Or Garbage can.

ALICE: Garbage…man?

R QUEEN: I said can, and I will!

RABBIT: Your majesty, only ten seconds left for this appointment.

R QUEEN: So, what’ll it be?

ALICE: That’s not enough time to decide!

R QUEEN: Nonsense. You can’t imagine the things I’ve done with no time at all. I once put
Humpty Dumpty back together again before he even had his great fall. I’ve
decoded a treasure map without even opening it. I invented yahtzee in an
afternoon!

RABBIT: Five seconds.

R QUEEN: I’m reading nine books right now. No, eight. I just finished one - I guessed the
ending. I can name every country in seconds. Biweiubwglblblakagatale. See?
Time is yours for the taking, you just have to learn how it works.

RABBIT: And that’s time!

R QUEEN: Isn’t it just.

ALICE: How do you have the time for all that?

R QUEEN: Because I’m a Queen! Queens have all the time in the world.

CARDS: (SIGH)

ALICE: Then that’s what I want to be. A Queen.

(GASP. The QUEEN nearly faints)

 34

RABBIT: It’s…it’s impossible.

ALICE: It can’t be that hard.

ALL: (GASP)

R QUEEN: (Outraged, nearly fainting) BRING THE TARTS!

RABBIT: GET THE TARTS!

CARDS: The tarts! The tarts!

(They bring her the Tarts, she smells them, she calms down)

ALICE: Those look delicious.

R QUEEN: They’re mine. They’re red. I made them myself.

RABBIT: She grows her own raspberries. (Applause)

ALICE: (Reaching for a tart.) Wow.

ALL: (GASP)

RABBIT: (Privately to ALICE) What are you doing? Only Queens can have tarts. That’s the
rule! And it takes a lot of work to become a Queen.

ALICE: I can do it.

RABBIT: That’s what they all said…

ALICE: What happened?

RABBIT: She made them a wager.

R QUEEN: Alice! I’ll make you a wager. You can try to become a Queen, but should you fail,
 35

I’ll pick a position for you. I’m one card short of a royal flush, you know. (The
CARDS shudder) If you don’t reach the Eighth square - your time will belong to
me.

ALICE: All of it?

R QUEEN: But succeed and you’ll have all the time in the world!

ALICE: And I’ll get a tart?

RABBIT: Shhh. She’s going to sing now.

[ 5. QUEEN ]

R QUEEN: IT TAKES TIME

TO LEARN EVERY RULE AND EVERY LITTLE MOVE
SEE WHAT'S MINE
I TOOK EVERY ROOK AND MADE THEM FEEL A FOOL!
DON’T BE SHY
YOU COULD BE THE QUEEN I SEE INSIDE OF YOU
SOMEDAY SOON…

CARDS: WHAT'S IT GONNA BE, WHAT'S IT GONNA BE ALICE?

SINCE YOU GOTTA BE? WHATCHA WANNA BE ALICE
YOU COULD BE QUEEN, YOU COULD BE A QUEEN ALICE
YOU COULD BE FREE, YOU COULD BE A QUEEN!

R QUEEN: SO YOU THINK YOU WANT TO BE A QUEEN

LIKE RULING POLITICS WITH POWER CAN BE FOUND WITH EASE
NOT TO BE MEAN
BUT THERE’S A LOT OF GIRLS WITH DREAMS
WHO CALL IT QUITS WITHIN AN HOUR OR RUN OUT OF STEAM
YOU GOTTA
WORK THE SYSTEM, PLAY WITHIN IT
WORK THE SYSTEM, PLAY WITHIN IT
WORDS OF WISDOM, WORK WITHIN EM’
WAIT TO FINISH,
DON’T DIMINISH,
 36

PLAY TO WIN IT.

YOU NEED A WHOLE LOT OF NERVE

THE CUNNING TO SWERVE
TO WAIT FOR YOUR TURN
TO TAKE WHAT YOU EARN
DON’T BREAK AND DON’T BURN
THE BRIDGE THAT I’VE BUILT–
WALK WITH DISCERNMENT

YOU GOTTA EARN THIS

BUT IT'S WORTH IT
A FIRM FIST WILL JUST MAKE THEM NERVOUS
SAY IT'S YOUR PURPOSE - YOU'RE “THERE TO SERVE,”
THEN TAKE THE FIRST PLACE CAUSE THEY DON’T DESERVE IT!
YOU GOTTA BE COOL, YOU GOTTA BE
ALL: COOL, UNH
R QUEEN: THAT’S HOW A QUEEN RULES,
THOSE ARE THE QUEEN’S RULES.
SO,

R QUEEN: WHAT’S IT GONNA BE, WHAT'S IT GONNA BE ALICE? CARDS: AHHHH

SINCE YOU GOTTA BE? WHATCHA WANNA BE ALICE
ALL: YOU COULD BE A QUEEN, YOU COULD BE A QUEEN ALICE
YOU COULD BE FREE, YOU COULD BE A QUEEN ALICE

R QUEEN: THERE ARE OBSTACLES ALONG THE WAY

THERE ISN'T ANY TIME TO QUESTION SO JUST PLAY THE GAME
YOU’RE A PAWN IN THE ACTION NOW ACT LIKE AN ACTOR
ALL: LEARN TO SUBTRACT AND TO ADD EVERY ADVERB

R QUEEN: KNOW THE RHYTHM, STAY WITHIN IT

AND ALWAYS KEEP YOUR EYE RIGHT ON THE PRIZE
ITS WISE
FORGET SLOW AND STEADY, GET READY, BE FASTER!
LET EM’ COME LAST THEN LOOK BACK, HIDE YOUR LAUGHTER

I WENT FROM RAGS TO ROYALTY

 37

I HAD THE LOVE AND LOYALTY

I HAD THE MEANS TO SPOIL ME
NOBODY HAD CONTROL OF ME

YOU SEEM LIKE YOU’VE GOT POTENTIAL

THIS GAME IS MENTAL
TAKE OUT A PENCIL
WRITE DOWN THE RULES AND SHOW ALL FOOLS THAT YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO
WOAH

(This scene is laid over the next chorus)

R QUEEN: So, Alice, still interested?

ALICE: One question - when you say all my time will belong to you..

R QUEEN: No time for questions Alice. We’re just doing answers now.

CARDS: WHAT’S IT GONNA BE WHAT’S IT GONNA BE ALICE?

SINCE YOU GOTTA BE? WHATCHA WANNA BE ALICE
YOU COULD BE A QUEEN, YOU COULD BE A QUEEN ALICE
YOU COULD BE FREE, YOU COULD BE A QUEEN ALICE X2

R QUEEN: SO YOU THINK YOU WANT TO BE A QUEEN?

ALICE: YES I THINK I WANT TO BE A QUEEN

BOTH: YES I REALLY WANT TO BE A QUEEN

R QUEEN: THEY SAY IT’S HARD TO WEAR A CROWN

THEY WANT TO KEEP US ON THE GROUND
JUST WAIT AND PLAY THE RIGHT CARD
AND YOU’LL TRAVEL FAR
IT ISN'T THAT HARD
THEY’RE GONNA TRY TO LIE TO YOU
THEY'LL SAY THIS LIFE IS HARD TO DO
LET ME DESCRIBE A HARDER TRUTH;
I SEE THE QUEEN INSIDE OF YOU!
 38

WOAH

CARDS: WHAT’S IT GONNA BE, WHAT’S IT GONNA BE ALICE

SINCE YOU GOTTA BE WHAT YOU WANNA BE ALICE
YOU BE A QUEEN YOU COULD BE A QUEEN ALICE
YOU COULD BE FREE YOU COULD BE A QUEEN ALICE

QUEEN: WHAT’S IT GONNA BE, WHAT’S IT GONNA BE?

CARDS: ALICE

ALICE: MAYBE I COULD BE, MAYBE I COULD BE

CARDS: ALICE

ALICE: YES I WANNA BE , YES I WANNA BE--

CARDS: ALICE

ALICE: I WANNA BE A QUEEN!

ALL: YOU COULD BE A QUEEN ALICE!

RABBIT: Your majesty, I’m sorry, we’re in a bit of a rush -

R QUEEN: We? We’re in a rush? It wasn’t my idea to add that second key change!

FIVE: I just wanted to try something…

R QUEEN: Bring the contract! (The Rabbit brings it) Sign here, here, here, NOT here, and
here. Good. It’s decided. Shall we?

(The CARDS help ready the QUEEN)

ALICE: But, wait! Where do I start?

RABBIT: (Privately to ALICE) Have you ever played chess?

ALICE: No, but I've played with the pieces.

RABBIT: Look at the chessboard. You see that, there in the distance? Further than that.
 39

Further than that. Not that far, my goodness! There. The Eighth square. The
Eighth square is the final square on the board. A new player who reaches the
Eighth Square...becomes a Queen.

ALICE: Wow.

RABBIT: I know. I always thought I’d make a great Queen. Don’t repeat that.

R QUEEN: Schedule?

RABBIT: A book signing. High tea. Low tea. And a conference with the March Hare.

R QUEEN: About?

RABBIT: He’s petitioning to become the March and April Hare. It’s all very political.

R QUEEN: Fine. Good luck, Alice. I’m sure you’ll do splendidly. Or else you won’t. It’ll be
one of those two.

ALICE: Save a tart for me!

R QUEEN: Of course. (To the CARDS) Come on! And don’t doddle! But don’t hurry, I hate
that.

ALICE: Wait, which way to the Eighth Square?

RABBIT: Psst! You have to catch the train! But you didn’t hear it from me!

(The QUEEN, the RABBIT, and the CARDS disappear.)

ALICE: Okay. Catch the train. Catch the - can you catch a train? (The CAT appears.) You
can catch a cold.

CAT: You can catch a baseball.

ALICE: Why do we use the same words for things that are so different?

CAT: It’s a good question.

 40

ALICE: (We hear the TRAIN) Ah! The train!

CAT: Where are you going now?

ALICE: To the Eighth Square!

CAT: Oh. Why?

ALICE: To become a Queen.

CAT: Oh. Why?

ALICE: So I can have all the time in the world! I need to get there in time to get more
time, so I don’t have to worry about time. I don’t have time to explain it!

(ALICE runs into a small sign. The CAT disappears.)

[ THE FIRST SQUARE ]

(ALICE reads the sign.)

ALICE: ‘Ring for service.’ Okay.

(ALICE rings the bell. In the distance we hear TWEEDLE DUM & TWEEDLE DEE)

DEE / DUM: Let’s goooooo!!! You rang?

ALICE: Oh, hello, I’m looking for the First Square.

T. DUM: You’re looking for the First Square? (To DEE) She’s looking for the first Square!

T. DEE: (To DUM) She’s looking for the first Square? (To ALICE) You’re looking for the first
Square?

ALICE: Uh...yes?

DEE / DUM: Congratulations!

 41

ALICE: That’s here?

DEE / DUM: Yes. Wait!

ALICE: What?

T. DEE: Don’t step on it!

ALICE: Step on what?!

T. DUM: There. A fuzzy bug.

[ 5A. FUZZY BUG ]

(They look very closely at a CATERPILLAR passing by on the ground)

ALICE: Oh...where I come from we call them caterpillars.

DEE / DUM: Woah…

T. DUM: So long, fair caterpillar…

ALICE: So...who are you?

T. DEE: Tweedle Dee.

T. DUM: Tweedle Dum.

DEE / DUM: Keepers of the First Square!

T. DUM: And its secrets…

ALICE: What kinds of secrets?

T. DUM: All kinds!

T. DEE: There’s red ones, blue ones…

 42

T. DUM: Fast ones, ones with hats...

T. DEE: Sticky ones, ones that make this noise: ‘________’. Tall ones...

T. DUM: All kinds!

T. DEE: We don’t even know them all yet!

ALICE: Is this where I catch the train?

DEE / DUM: Yes! Wait!

ALICE: What?

DEE / DUM: Have to fill out the paperwork first.

T. DUM: State your name!

ALICE: Alice.

T. DEE: Can you spell that?

ALICE: A-L-I-C-E.

T. DEE: Ooo, the old spelling.

T. DUM: What is your height?

ALICE: Well, I’ve been a lot of different heights today. I think I’m going through a growth
spurt.

T. DEE: What is a spurt?

T. DUM: It’s a type of fish.

T. DEE: Oh. Do you like cake?

 43

ALICE: Yes, but I prefer pie.

T. DEE: Prefers…pie…

T. DUM: Who do people always say you look like?

ALICE: Um. I don’t know. Me?

T. DUM: Yeah, I see it.

T. DEE: Does the word “walrus” mean anything to you?

ALICE: Oh, yes.

T. DEE: Are you a walrus?

ALICE: No. I’m Alice.

T. DUM: What’s an Alice?

T. DEE: You know, I think an Alice is a kind of shovel.

T. DUM: Let’s try it in a sentence.

T. DEE: Bradley needs to bury something, it’s a hatchet.

T. DUM: Oh, good for him!

T. DEE: But Bradley has forgotten the Alice. How will he dig a hole?

ALICE: I'm not a shovel! I’m a little girl!

T. DEE: A little girl? What’s your business here?

T. DUM: Oh, I’ve always wanted to go somewhere on business. What’s it like?

ALICE: No, I’m not here on business. I was following the rabbit, and then I met the
Queen –
 44

DEE / DUM: The Queen! (They bow.)

ALICE: No, I was just saying how I met her.

T. DEE: Who?

ALICE: The Queen.

DEE / DUM: The Queen! (They bow.)

ALICE: She’s not here! I’m saying she sent me to reach the Eighth Square.

T. DEE: You’re travelling by order of the Queen?

T. DUM: The Queen! (DUM bows)

ALICE: Yes!

T. DEE: You should have begun with that!

(We hear the TRAIN.)

ALICE: The train! Did I miss it?

T. DEE: Not to worry.

T. DUM: We can take you through the first square! Hop on!

ALICE: Really?

(TWEEDLE DEE & TWEEDLE DUM get their tandem bicycle. ALICE gets into the
seat between them.)

DEE / DUM: We know a shortcut!

T. DEE: You’ll wanna buckle up.

 45

T. DUM: The world comes at you pretty fastly.

ALICE: What?

DEE / DUM: Let’s goooooo!

(They ride off. ALICE enters the First Square.)

[ 6. TWEEDLE ]

T. DUM: Should we take the left way?

T. DEE: Let’s take the right way.

T. DUM: Right.

T. DEE: Turning right!

ALICE: Do you know where you’re going?

T. DUM: Of course!

T. DUM: WE CAN TAKE YOU THE RIGHT WAY TO GET THROUGH THE FIRST SQUARE
Is this the route I think it is?
T. DEE: WE COULD TAKE YOU THE LEFT WAY BUT YOU SEEM UNPREPARED
You’re not even wearing a backpack.
T. DUM: NORMALLY WE GO EAST THEN WEST
T. DEE: BUT LET’S GO NORTH WHERE THE BREEZE IS BEST
T. DUM: The best!
SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORRY, WE’LL GET YOU THERE SOME DAY
T. DUM: Eventually.
T. DEE: THINK OF ALL OF THE THINGS WE COULD LEARN ALONG THE
DEE/ DUM: WAY

T. DEE: Do you like poetry?

ALICE: Uh, yes, some poetry.
T. DEE: MARY HAD A LITTLE GOAT
ITS FLEECE WAS WHITE AS GRAVY
 46

T. DUM: THE GOAT GOT MARRIED TO A FROG

DEE / DUM: AND THEN IT HAD A BABY!

ALICE: I don’t think those are the right words.

T. DEE: Well if they’re not right, they must be left!
T. DUM: Left, right, up, down, who cares?
DEE / DUM: Let’s goooooo!!

T. DEE: WONDER IF ON THE WAY I MIGHT LEARN A BRAND NEW WORD

Learning words is my favourite time of day!
T. DUM: THERE ARE SO MANY LETTERS TOGETHER THAT MAKE
DEE / DUM: WORDS
T. DUM: For examples:
T. DEE: A, B, C, D, E, F, G
T. DUM: And also - H, I, J, K, ELEMENO P
T. DEE: And then
DEE / DUM: Q, R, S, AND TUV
DEE: W
DUM: X
DEE / DUM: AND Y!

ALICE: What about Z?

T. DEE: What about Zed? Do you know him?!
T. DUM: Aren’t letters wild!?
T. DEE: Do you like Math?
ALICE: It depends on the kind of math –

T. DUM: WHY WOULD ANYONE EVER COUNT BY FIVES?

ALICE: To save time?
DEE/DUM: From WHAT?
T. DUM: YOU CAN JUST COUNT BY ONES TO COUNT BY FIVES.
T. DEE: That’s a fact.
T. DUM: Watch, I’ll prove it!
ONE TWO THREE FOUR SIX SEVEN EIGHT
YOU’LL GET TO TEN IF YOU CALCULATE
T. DEE: SO WE GO REALLY FAST SO THE FASTER WE WILL KNOW
T. DUM: It’s true. We’re learning all the time.
T. DEE: Yeah!
 47

T. DUM: COME ON, ALICE WHAT’S SOMETHING THAT WE

DEE / DUM: DON’T?!?!

ALICE: Me?
T. DEE: Yeah, what do you know?
T. DUM: What’s your most favourite knowledge?
ALICE: Uhhhhhh, Oh! –

DID YOU KNOW WHEN CATERPILLARS TURN INTO A COCOON

INSIDE THEY’RE FULL OF GOO?
INSIDE IT’S FULL OF GOO UNTIL
IT TURNS INTO A BUTTERFLY!

T DUM: Whaaaatt?? I wanna be goo! Etc.

(They land in the Second Square)

T. DEE: Second Square, everyone out!

T. DUM: This is where we leave you.

ALICE: Thank you for the ride.

DEE / DUM: You’re welcome for the ride.

T. DUM: (With profound tenderness) And the lessons.

ALICE: So, what’s in the Second Square?

T. DEE: Oh, you don’t want to know.

T. DUM: It’s dangerous.

T. DEE: And beautiful.

DEE / DUM: Dangerously beautiful. (Beat) Goodbye! Let’s goooooo!! (They ride away.)

DEE / DUM: TWEEDLE DUM AND TWEEDLE DEE

 48

RIDING THROUGH THE FOREST…

[ THE SECOND SQUARE ]

[ 7. GARDEN ]
FLOWERS: (SIGH)

CAT: (SNEEZE)

ALICE: Oh, what a beautiful garden.

LILY: Who is that?

ROSE: Don’t stare, it isn’t polite.

LILY: I’ve never seen her before.

ROSE: Shhhhh.

ALICE: Who said that?

FLOWERS: MMMMMMMMM

ALICE: Hello?

BUTTER: HELLO
LILY: HELLO
ROSE: HELLO

FLOWERS: MMMMMMMMM

ALICE: Wait, can these flowers talk?

FLOWERS: WE CAN
ROSE: WE CAN
FLOWERS: WE CAN
ROSE: WE CAN
 49

FLOWERS: AS WELL AS YOU

ALICE: You can talk?

FLOWERS: WHEN THERE’S SOMEONE TO TALK TO

ALICE: Can all flowers talk?

LILY: As well as you can.

BUTTERCUP: AND A GREAT DEAL LOUDER!

ROSE: Buttercup, please!

LILY: All flowers talk, if you listen.

ALICE: What else do flowers do?

FLOWERS: SWINGING
SINGING, IT’S WHAT WE KNOW
ROSE: IT’S WHAT WE KNOW
FLOWERS: MORE BEAUTIFUL AS WE GROW

ROSE: What sort of flower are you, my dear?

ALICE: Oh, I’m not a flower.

LILY: You’re not a weed, are you?

ALICE: No, no. I’m Alice.

ROSE: Oh, an ‘Alice’, that’s beautiful.

LILY: Gorgeous.

ROSE: Are Alices from the Dahlia family?

LILY: SHE LOOKS LIKE AN ORCHID

 50

ROSE: BUT HER PEDALS GO THE WRONG WAY

LILY: SHE'S TOO SHORT FOR A LARKSPUR

ROSE: OR A DAFFODIL

BUTTERCUP: AND TOO QUIET FOR A BUTTERCUP!

ROSE: Buttercup please!

FLOWERS: SWAY DEAR

STAY HERE, IT’S ALL SUBLIME
DON’T GO WASTING YOUR TIME

ALICE: Would you tell me how to get to the Third Square?

ROSE: Why the rush?

ALICE: I have to get all the way to the Eighth.

ROSE: Oh, that’s ages away.

LILY: You look exhausted.

ROSE: Have a rest.

FLOWERS: WE WONDER IF, WE WONDER IF

YOU’LL STAY, STAY IN OUR GARDEN
ALICE: I…I…
BUTTERCUP: STAY
ROSE: STAY
LILY: STAY
ALICE: …have to become a Queen...

ALICE /
FLOWERS: MMMMMMMMMM
 51

(ALICE is nearly asleep. The RABBIT runs past. Rabbit underscore)

RABBIT: Mary Ann? Mary Ann! There you are! What in the world are you doing out here?

(The FLOWERS close up suddenly. ALICE awakes.)

ROSE: You’re stepping on my roots!

LILY: You’re blocking my sunshine!

BUTTERCUP: I don’t like your vest!

RABBIT: Okay, enough! Mary Ann, let’s go.

ROSE: Who’s Mary Ann? You said you were an Alice!

LILY: I knew it! She’s nothing but a common weed!

ROSE: Masquerading as an Alice to get into our flower bed?!

LILY: Not today, weed!

ALICE: But I wasn’t –

RABBIT: We have to go!

ROSE: Please do!

BUTTERCUP: Take me with you!

ROSE: Buttercup, please!

(ALICE leaves with the RABBIT, the FLOWERS fade away.)

RABBIT: Come on Mary Ann!

ALICE: Would you stop calling me that?

 52

RABBIT: Listen, the Queen plays Croquet in the Fifth Square and I’ll need my gloves.

ALICE: Your gloves?

RABBIT: I can’t play without my gloves! And of course I forgot them at home. You have to
go get them. What were you doing in that flowerbed anyway?

ALICE: I got distracted!

RABBIT: Distracted? You’re not some lily of the valley, are you?

ALICE: No…

RABBIT: You’re not a shrinking violet!

ALICE: No!

RABBIT: You’re not a wallflower!

ALICE: No!

RABBIT: No! You’re the girl who’s going to help me get my gloves!

ALICE: Yeah! Wait -

RABBIT: Come on! I’m already LATE! Look at the time!

ALICE: This just says ‘you’re late’.

RABBIT: THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYING, MARY ANN! You have to listen.
Now, the gloves are in my house: go in the door, up the stairs and on the left,
take a slight turn right, right after that you go left, up another step, stop, look at
my self portrait on the wall - I’m late but you’d never know it, turn the lights off,
then on again twice, but slowly - are you writing this down?

ALICE: What?

RABBIT: It’s too late anyhow, we’re here!

 53

ALICE: Where?

[ THE THIRD SQUARE ]

(ALICE steps into the Third Square.)

RABBIT: The Third Square! There’s my house! The gables are original but the foundation is
absolutely rotten. Don’t repeat that. I’m trying to sell. Anyway, go! Quickly! I’ll
meet you for Croquet. You do play Croquet, don’t you?

ALICE: Isn’t it a bit like -

RABBIT: Don’t you DARE say golf! Find those gloves, they’re by the clock. I’ll see you in
the Fifth Square - do NOT be late!

ALICE: Isn’t this your job?

RABBIT: Everything’s my job! You expect me not to delegate? IN THIS ECONOMY?!

(The RABBIT runs off. The CAT appears.)

ALICE: Wait! Mr. Rabbit! How do I get in?

CAT: You could try the door and see what happens.

ALICE: Well, I hope someone would answer it.

CAT: Why, has it asked a question?

ALICE: Oh, it’s open.

(ALICE goes through the door. Inside the house we hear a ticking.)

Okay, get the gloves for the Queen, go to the Fourth Square, then to the Fifth for
Croquet. Do you know how to play Croquet?

CAT: Isn’t it a bit like cricket?

 54

ALICE: The bug?

CAT: Maybe.

ALICE: Alright, the Rabbit said the gloves are by the clock. The…clock.

(The wall is full of clocks, the ticking intensifies.)

Which clock? (ALICE sees the gloves) Oh! The gloves! But how do I get all the way
up - (A Bottle Appears) Oh, not this again. (ALICE reads) ‘Drink Me.’ Yeah, I
thought so. Alright. This time I’ll just drink a little, so I only grow big enough to
reach the gloves. (ALICE drinks a bit from the bottle, she grows a bit.) Oh, I’m so
smart. (ALICE suddenly begins to grow taller and taller at an alarming rate.)
Wait! No! Nooo!!! (ALICE is now so big she fills the whole house.) Help?

[ 7A. RABBIT’S HOUSE ]

RABBIT: Oh, Mary Ann, one more thing. Mary Ann? Mary…Ahhhh!!! A Monster in my
house! Help! Help! MONSTER IN MY HOUSE!

(The BIRDS appear)

DODO: I say! Monster is it?

OWL: Not to worry.

DUCK: We’ve experience with the sort.

DODO: Have you ever seen a Jabberwocky?

RABBIT: No.

DODO: And you’ve us to thank for that. Forms?

BIRDS: Forms!

DODO: Excuse me, monster?

 55

ALICE: Are you talking to me? I’m not a monster.

DODO: Of course you're not! (To the BIRDS) Tick the box for sensitive.

ALICE: I’m not sensitive!

DODO: Of course you’re not! (To the BIRDS) And the one for stubborn.

ALICE: I’m not stubborn! Mr. Rabbit!

RABBIT: Ah! The monster knows my name!

ALICE: It’s me, Alice!

RABBIT: …So awkward, I don’t know an Alice.

ALICE: I mean, it’s me...Mary Ann.

RABBIT: Mary Ann? Is that you?

ALICE: Yes!

RABBIT: The Monster has EATEN Mary Ann!

OWL: Shame on you, monster! That is not the policy!

RABBIT: I want this Monster out of my house!

DUCK: I’ll file the paperwork, but monster removal proper only happens in July.

DODO: That’s the policy.

RABBIT: Please, I’m late! There has to be something you can do!

DODO: Well, there is one thing…it’s not strictly legal but -

RABBIT: DO IT. Do it!

 56

DODO: Righto!

DUCK: We’ll burn the house down.

RABBIT: Good, good, just do it quickly. Wait, burn my - no! No, no, no! Not my house!

ALICE: You can’t burn the house down!

DODO: Strike a match, won’t you?

RABBIT: Oh my poor house!

DODO: Goodbye monster.

ALICE: I’M NOT A MONSTER!

(ALICE shrinks again. The house dissolves. The QUEEN drives by on the
TRAIN)

R QUEEN: Alice! There you are!

ALICE: Your majesty!

R QUEEN: Stop the train! (The train stops) I need you to deliver these invitations for me in
the next Square.

ALICE: Oh, sure.

R QUEEN: Sure? Alice, this is extremely important, can I trust you?

ALICE: You can trust me!

R QUEEN: Good. Oh, and Alice, enjoy the Fourth Square. It’s fabulous. Shall we?
(The TRAIN takes off)

ALICE: Can I get a ride on the train with you?

 57

R QUEEN: What?! I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE TRAIN!

ALICE: CAN I RIDE ON THE TRAIN WITH YOU?!

R QUEEN: No, no, it hasn’t rained in months!

(The QUEEN disappears. The CAT appears.)

CAT: Looking for these?

ALICE: Oh, the Rabbit’s gloves! Thank you!

[ THE FOURTH SQUARE ]

CAT: What are those?

[ 8. TEA ]
ALICE: Invitations.

CAT: For who?

ALICE: (Reading) March Hare and Mad Hatter. (music)

HARE/
HATTER: Yes?

ALICE: Oh, a tea party! Is this the Fourth Square?

HATTER: You should never arrive at a party with a question.

HARE: Begin with a joke.

ALICE: Uhh. Oh! Why did the chicken cross the road? (music)

HARE: No, nothing political.

HATTER: Not at the dinner table. (Music) You were saying?

HARE: So I went to buy five -

 58

HATTER: And what did they have?

HARE: Not five.

HATTER: Not five?

HARE: No, two.

HATTER: Two is not the same as five.

HARE: Five is hard to get these days.

HATTER: I agree.

HARE: You do? That's interesting.

HATTER: Did you hear about -

HARE: I did.

HATTER: What a week.

HARE: I agree.

HATTER: Tragic.

HARE: Tragic, yes. I agree.

HATTER: You do? That’s interesting.

HARE: You can’t go anywhere now.

HATTER: I know, what with

HARE/
HATTER: Everything. (They laugh. They Sigh.)
 59

ALICE: (Holding up the letters) I think these are for you. (music)

HATTER: Oops. You interrupted.

HARE: Mind your manners.

HATTER: Have a seat. (music)

HARE: It’s been so long.

HATTER: It has! Have you been -

HARE: Busy.

HATTER: Me too, so busy.

HARE: And tired!

HATTER: So tired.

HARE: You too?

HATTER: Me too!

HARE: Isn’t that interesting.

HATTER: Almost as interesting as this weather! (They laugh loudly. They sigh.)

ALICE: Can I give these to you? (music)

HARE: We’ve talked about this.

HATTER: Why don’t you sit over here?

HARE: At the kids table. Do you like wine?

ALICE: No.
 60

HATTER: Good.

HARE: There isn’t any wine.

HARE /
HATTER: It’s a tea party! (music - triangle only)

HARE: I love what you’re wearing.

HATTER: You do?

HARE: I do.

HATTER: It’s from that place.

HARE: I love that place!

HATTER: You do? That’s interesting.

ALICE: I’ll just leave these here. I have to go -

HARE /
HATTER: Not before you finish your plate!

ALICE: I don’t even have a plate -

HARE: You were saying?

(music w full band)

HATTER: I WAS OUT THE OTHER DAY

HARE: YOU WERE?

HATTER: I WAS. AND THEN I SAW SOMEONE

HARE: YOU DID

HATTER: I DID
 61

HARE: WHO WAS

HATTER: REMEMBER THEM

HARE: OF COURSE I DO

HATTER: THEY SAY HELLO

HARE: HELLO TO THEM!

ALICE: To who?

HATTER /
HARE: (To ALICE) DON’T TALK WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL

ALICE: BUT THERE’S -

HATTER: They told me they were moving.

HARE: Oh! Up or down?

(The CAT appears)

CAT: How are you getting on?

ALICE: Not well.

HATTER: They hadn’t decided.

HARE: Oh. That’s interesting.

ALICE: What are they doing?

CAT: They seem to be talking.

ALICE: But they’re not saying anything at all.

 62

CAT /
HARE: That can happen sometimes.

HATTER: Decisions are difficult.

HARE: Very difficult.

HATTER: It’s true.

HARE: It’s interesting.

ALICE: What’s so interesting about it?

HATTER /
HARE: Shhhhhhh. It’s our song! (More music, they dance. A pause.)

HATTER: I’m sorry about this.

HARE: No, I’m sorry. (music)

HATTER: I APOLOGIZE

HARE: NO NEED, NO NEED AT ALL.

HATTER: I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT AHEAD

HARE: IT’S HARD TO THINK AT ALL

HATTER: IT’S TRUE.

HARE: IT’S INTERESTING.

HATTER: THAT’S INTERESTING AND TRUE

HARE: LET’S TRY SOME DINNER THINGS

HATTER: MY, MY, LOOK AT THIS FOOD

 63

ALICE: (To the CAT) How long will they go on like this?

CAT: Impossible to say. What if we put our elbows on the table?

(The CAT and ALICE put their elbows on the table.)

HARE: Sit up straight!

HATTER: It’s a special occasion!

HARE: Mind your manners!

HATTER: You were saying?

HARE: DID YOU GET AN INVITATION?

HATTER: NO! DID YOU?

I SENSE A TOUCH OF HESITATION?

ALICE: HERE! FOR YOU!

HARE: MUST BE THE MAIL - THE MAIL IS LATE

HATTER: THE MAIL IS BAD,

IT’S ALWAYS LATE

HARE: IT’S TRUE

HATTER / HA HA HA HA,
HARE:

ALICE: HERE!

HATTER /
HARE: OH!

HATTER: It’s time for croquet.

 64

RABBIT: Well, then let’s get going!

HARE: You know, the last time I played croquet I did quite well, but the time before that,
I didn’t.

HATTER: That’s interesting.

HARE: It is.

(They leave the Tea Party and move to the croquet grounds. ALICE enters The
Fifth Square.)

[ FIFTH SQUARE ]

CAT: Do you hear that? Sounds like sports…

ALICE: Is that bad?

CAT: That depends. Have you been practicing?

ALICE: Croquet? No, when would I have had time on top of everything else to practice a
sport?! (The CAT disappears)

RABBIT: It’s not a sport, it’s a game, my goodness!

ALICE: Mr Rabbit! Here your gloves!

RABBIT: Oh, the gloves! Thank you. They remind me of my maid, you know. Did you hear?
Terrible accident. Oh, Mary Ann. Gone too soon…

(The QUEEN enters with the HARE and HATTER)

ALICE: Oh, the Queen!

RABBIT: (To ALICE) Don’t wave! She hates that.

R QUEEN: Alice! I…I didn’t expect you to - did you make it through the other squares?
 65

ALICE: Yep! One, two, three, four, and five! Is it this way to the Sixth?

R QUEEN: Oop, not so fast! You have to finish a game of croquet before you can advance.

ALICE: Couldn’t I just -

R QUEEN: Alright, let’s have a good clean game today. And give it a little extra, won’t you? I
can’t win every time…

ALICE: (To the RABBIT) Does she win every time?

RABBIT: Every time. That’s the rule. But if you want to advance to the Sixth Square you’ll
have to win. That’s also the rule.

ALICE: What?!

RABBIT: You’ll have the first turn. Take this, stand there, go ahead.

ALICE: But I don’t know how to play.

RABBIT: You WHAT?!

R QUEEN: First positions!

RABBIT: We have to play the game. She loves games. She also loves hosting meetings with
her stuffed animals before bed. Don’t repeat that.

R QUEEN: Let’s begin!

RABBIT: (To the QUEEN) Right away! (To ALICE) Alright, just breathe.

ALICE: Okay.

RABBIT: I was talking to myself. This is very stressful. Just watch me.

[ 9. CROQUET ]

RABBIT: LIFT UP YOUR CHIN

 66

GIVE A MODEST GRIN AND CURTSEY

NEVER CURTSEY IN A HURRY
SPIN AROUND UNTIL YOU’RE BLURRY
AND YOU CANT SEE AT ALL

ALICE: Like this?

RABBIT: STRAIGHTEN YOUR KNEES

HOLD THE MALLET LOW AND TIGHTLY
PASS IT THROUGH THE WICKET LIGHTLY
WITH SOME ANGER, DO IT NICELY
TRY TO SWING OTHER WAY

FOLLOW ME AND YOU’LL KNOW WHERE TO GO

FOLLOW ALL THE RULES AND TAKE IT SLOW
WASTE NO TIME, JUST BE BRAVE, SWING AWAY…

(ALICE swings and misses again.)

R QUEEN: DON’T WORRY DEAR, NO ONE GETS IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME, BUT MYSELF
YOU KNOW. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

ALICE: I REALLY DON’T.

I WONDER WHY ALL THESE RULES ARE SO--

RABBIT: PECULIAR?

ALICE: DO YOU WONDER THAT?

RABBIT: I DON’T HAVE THE TIME TO WONDER THAT.

R QUEEN: On a side note - that roast beef buffet for my snack time?

RABBIT: Yes, it’s all arranged.

R QUEEN: I saw a thing. Make sure it’s completely vegetarian.

RABBIT: It - what?
 67

R QUEEN: And can you be less…tense? You seem tense. I hate when things are tense.

CARDS: THREE CHEERS FOR THE QUEEN!

CHEER, CHEER, CHEER!

R QUEEN: I AM OBVIOUSLY WINNING!

CARDS: WELL DONE, WELL DONE!

R QUEEN: (To the RABBIT) And roses. Let’s have roses. Red ones. No. White. No. Surprise
me - but don’t get the ones I hate.

RABBIT: Your majesty I can’t -

R QUEEN: Oh, get one of your lackeys to do it - what’s her name - Sherry Ann, where’s she?

RABBIT: She’s…Um…she…

R QUEEN: JUST GET IT DONE! You know, plenty of bunnies would kill for this job.

ENSEMBLE: Oooooo…

ALICE: (Privately to the RABBIT) Aren’t you a Rabbit?

RABBIT: Yes. I. AM.

RABBIT: THERE’S A WAY FOR YOU TO WIN CROQUET

WE CAN RUSH A COUPLE ROUNDS THIS GAME
IT TAKES WILL, MORE THAN SKILL, SO LETS PLAY!

RABBIT: ROUND 3, HOLD YOUR ARM LIKE THIS, QUEEN: LA LA LA LA! (x3)
GIVE A LITTLE TWIST, KICK IT TO THE LEFT, ENSEMBLE: LA LA LA!
SCORE! QUEEN: LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!
ENSEMBLE: LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!
ROUND 4, HURRY LIFT IT HIGH,
THROW IT TO THE SKY, NOW JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES,
NICE!
 68

ROUND 5, DO THIS LITTLE SQUAT,

ADD A LITTLE BOUNCE, GO ON TAKE YOUR SHOT,
WOW!

ROUND 6, LOOK INTO THE SUN, WE ARE ALMOST DONE,

DON’T GIVE UP

ALICE: OW THIS HURTS!

RABBIT/
ALICE: THIS IS REALLY IT, NOW YOU CANNOT MISS
DON'T BE SCARED

ALICE: THIS IS SCARY!

RABBIT: FOLLOW ME AND YOU’LL KNOW WHERE TO GO!

ALICE: WHAT HAPPENS IF I MISS IT?

RABBIT: FOLLOW ALL THE RULES OR ELSE WHO KNOWS

ALICE: GEE THANKS THAT REALLY HELPS

RABBIT: WASTE NO TIME, JUST BE BRAVE, SWING AWAY

(ALICE swings, she succeeds)

RABBIT: Winner!

CARDS: Gangnant! (Applause)

R QUEEN: WHAT? Get the tarts!

RABBIT: Get the Tarts!

CROWD: The Tarts! The Tarts!

R QUEEN: (Once she revives) Well played, Alice, you’ll make a great Queen. But I’m starting
 69

to worry you won’t make it on time. Your offer to become a Queen expires at
noon, you know.

ALICE: What?

R QUEEN: It was in your contract.

ALICE: At noon? When’s that?

RABBIT: Twelve o’clock!

R QUEEN: By my calculations you’re already late. Oh, and Alice, be careful in the Sixth
Square. People tend to forget themselves in there.

ALICE: What does that mean?

RABBIT: Goodbye, Alice.

[ THE SIXTH SQUARE ]

[ 10. WOOD WITH NO NAMES ]

(ALICE enters the Sixth Square, it’s a large forest.)

ALICE: Alright, quickly, quickly. I have to get to the…the…what’s the word? I have to get
there because I need to become a...a what? I can’t remember what anything’s
called! (Looking at the watch) This is a…what. What is it? I can’t remember its
name!

(A UNICORN appears in the wood.)

Excuse me, can you help me?

UNICORN: I can try.

ALICE: Thank you.

UNICORN: What’s your name?

 70

ALICE: I’m…I’m…I don’t remember my name! Do you remember yours?

UNICORN: No. I can’t seem to remember anything at all. Not here in this…place with
the…tall things everywhere.

ALICE: Yes, what are those called? Where are we?

UNICORN: I don’t know. I can walk with you though.

ALICE: Okay, thank you. Hey, what’s that?

UNICORN: Where?

ALICE: There. That fuzzy...thing.

(They look closely at a CATERPILLAR going by.)

UNICORN: Where’s it going?

ALICE: It’s got so many legs but it’s barely moving.

UNICORN: Maybe it’s moving very fast, you know, for how many steps it has to take.

ALICE: You know, I think I’ve been here before.

UNICORN: You have?

ALICE: When I was younger. (Alice discovers her assignment in her pocket)

UNICORN: What’s this?

ALICE: It’s a list.

UNICORN: (Reading) I like: elastic bands, Sundays, Fireflies.

ALICE: It’s about me!

UNICORN: This question is empty though. When I grow up I want to be...

 71

ALICE: Oh yeah. I know it’s supposed to have an answer but I don’t know what it is. Do
you?

UNICORN: Sorry. (They walk on)

ALICE: Do you remember your name yet?

UNICORN: Not yet. But I remember that I’m a little different than everyone else. People
have trouble believing in me.

ALICE: Me too! (ALICE and the UNICORN emerge from the wood.) But I do like my name.
It reminds me that I’m Alice. Oh! I remembered! I’m Alice!

UNICORN: You’re a little girl!

ALICE: And you’re a unicorn!

UNICORN: I am!

ALICE: I’ve never met a unicorn before.

UNICORN: I’ve never met a little girl. I always wondered if you really existed.

ALICE: Well, I’ll keep believing in you if you keep believing in me.

UNICORN: Okay. (The UNICORN heads back into the wood)

ALICE: You’re going back in?

UNICORN: For now. I don’t mind forgetting from time to time.

(The UNICORN disappears. We hear the TRAIN.)

ALICE: The train!

[ THE SEVENTH SQUARE ]

 72

(ALICE enters the Seventh Square. TWEEDLE DEE & TWEEDLE DUM are on a train,
ALICE chases after them.)

DEE / DUM: Clear the tracks!

ALICE: Wait! What square is this?

DEE: Seven! Comes after six.

DUM: Math is wild.

ALICE: Can you take me to the eighth square?

DEE: Hop on! (She does)

ALICE: Oh this is so great. I need to get there by noon and -

DEE/DUM: KSHHHHH. We’re here!

ALICE: Already?

DUM: Yeah. Seventh Square is pretty short.

DEE: Are you ready?

DUM/DEE: Welcome, Queen Alice.

(TWEEDLE DUM and TWEEDLE DEE open a set of doors revealing a large
banquet hall. ALICE enters the Eighth Square.)

[ THE EIGHTH SQUARE ]

[ 12. DISCO ]

R QUEEN: Alice!

ALICE: Did I make it on time?

RABBIT: Yes! Yes she did! She did! See? Noon on the dot!
 73

R QUEEN: So it is. Well then, let’s…let’s…

ALICE: Sit?

RABBIT: Water? Mimosa? Tea, your majesty?

ALICE: Wow, this is nice. So, now that we have all the time in the world, I have so many
questions. Like: why is it called noon and also twelve o’clock?

R QUEEN: What? Because it is. That’s a silly question.

ALICE: I mean, why don’t the other times have names? I always thought six o’clock
would have a name like Sarah, or Jada. Something with an ‘ah’. Here’s a question
- If your shirt isn’t tucked into your pants, are your pants tucked into your shirt?
And what about the alphabet? Who put the alphabet in alphabetical order? And
what’s the deal with ketchup?

R QUEEN: Enough questions, Alice. How about a card trick, hmm?

(The CARDS do a trick)

RABBIT: Your majesties, I’m sorry, we only have this Square for two more minutes. The
cleaners are coming and then someone has it booked for a tap class.

EIGHT: (Entering, tapping) Oh! Sorry. I’m early.

R QUEEN: Right then, let’s go.

RABBIT: Let’s go!

ALICE: Wait! What about my tart?

R QUEEN: Your tart?

ALICE: Yes, I’m a Queen now - I get a tart right? Bring the tarts!

RABBIT: Get the tarts!

 74

CARDS: The Tarts! The Tarts!

R QUEEN: NO, no! I’ll get them. (CARDS surprised) Alice is our guest, after all. (She goes.)

RABBIT: (To ALICE) I’ve never seen someone eat a tart before. This is thrilling.

R QUEEN: (From offstage) AHHHHH!!! (She returns.)

RABBIT: Your majesty! What is it?!

R QUEEN: It’s the tarts. They’re…missing.

CARDS: (GASP)
[ 13. JAZZ’CUSE ]

R QUEEN: STOLE THEM!

RABBIT: WHO DID?

ALICE: What?

R QUEEN: THE TARTS! I’LL FIND OUT WHO DID THIS

YOU THERE,

ALICE: Me?

QUEEN: YOU DID

ALICE: No!

R QUEEN: THEN PROVE IT, WHO IS YOUR WITNESS?

YOU DARE DO THIS?
HOW COULD ALL OF MY SERVANTS HAVE MISSED IT?
I WILL PAINT THE FIELD RED, SOMEONE’S LOSING THEIR HEAD
YOU STOLE THE TARTS.

ALL: (GASP)
 75

ALICE: I didn’t!

RABBIT: Silence! Silence in the court! All rise. The honourable Red Queen presiding.

R QUEEN: You may be seated. (All sit) Name the accused!

RABBIT: All rise for the naming of the accused! (All rise) The accused is Alice. You may be
Seated. (All sit)

ALICE: I didn’t do anything!

R QUEEN: Silence in the court!

RABBIT: All rise for the reading of the crime. (All rise)

THE ROYAL QUEEN, SHE HAD SOME TARTS

AND EACH OF THEM WAS ROUND
BUT NOW THOSE TARTS, WITH BROKEN HEARTS
WE OWN CANNOT BE FOUND

R QUEEN: Order in the court! Alice, what do you know about this business?

ALICE: Nothing!

RABBIT: Nothing whatever?

ALICE: Nothing at all!

R QUEEN: That’s just what someone who did know something would say.

RABBIT: Aha! Proof!

R QUEEN: Where are the tarts!?

ALICE: I don’t know!

R QUEEN: Answer the question!

 76

RABBIT: It’s the most important question!

ALICE: Why?

(During the following verse the CAT runs around causing invisible havvock,
eventually lifting the Queen’s skirt to reveal the tarts underneath.)

R QUEEN: I MAKE THE RULES AND THE RULES ARE RULES

AND BREAKING A RULE IS THE WORST BROKEN RULE
I AM THE WITNESS, THE JURY, THE JUDGE
AND MY VERDICT WILL NOT BUDGE

ALICE: (Spying the tarts) LOOK THERE!

ALL: LOOK WHERE?
QUEEN: ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME? CAUSE YOU LOOKED SCARED.

ALICE: RABBIT!
GRAB IT!
LOOK THE PLATTER OF TARTS, AND SHE HAS IT!

COURT: OH!
RABBIT: HOW DARE! BE CLEAR!
IS IT TRUE THAT YOU’VE HIDDEN YOUR TARTS HERE!
R QUEEN: THIS IS NOT HOW IT LOOKS
ALICE: YES IT’S YOU WHO’S THE CROOK
YOU STOLE THE TARTS!

RABBIT: Order in the court!

ALICE: You stole the tarts yourself!

R QUEEN: Yes. I did.

CARDS: (GASP)

RABBIT: Your majesty! Why?

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R QUEEN: I couldn’t let her have one. Only Queens can have tarts. That’s the rule.

ALICE: But I am a Queen! I made it to the Eighth Square!

R QUEEN: Alice, you’re no Queen. I have one final piece of evidence that explains
everything. (The QUEEN reveals ALICE’s assignment)

ALICE: My assignment, give it back!

R QUEEN: She doesn’t know what she wants to be.

CROWD: (GASP)

R QUEEN: She’s a liar. And a cheat. A lying, cheating tart stealing thief!

ALICE: But I didn’t steal the -

FIVE/
SEVEN/
EIGHT: Six! Seven! Eight!

R QUEEN: I WILL TEACH YOU WHAT IT MEANS TO CHEAT

WHAT IT MEANS TO QUESTION ME
CARDS: WHAT’S IT GONNA BE ALICE?
R QUEEN: I’M A PATIENT AND A GRACIOUS QUEEN
BUT GOOD TARTS DON’T COME FOR FREE

ALICE: None of her rules make any sense!

R QUEEN: DON’T TRY MAKING ME A CAKE INSTEAD

OR A BASIC LOAF OF BREAD
CARDS: WHAT’S IT GONNA BE ALICE?
R QUEEN: I’LL GET EVEN ONCE THE CLOCK GOES BACK
AND I HAVE YOUR TIME TO SPEND
ALICE: But you just follow the rules anyway!
R QUEEN: BECAUSE THAT WILL BE YOUR END!
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(ALICE escapes. The QUEEN gestures to where ALICE once was. ALICE has
disappeared. Mayhem ensues)

RABBIT: Where is she?

R QUEEN: Find the girl!
RABBIT: Find the girl!
CARDS: The girl! The girl!

R QUEEN: DID SHE GO?!

WHERE HAS SHE RUN?
RABBIT: Keep looking!
R QUEEN: CUT OFF HER HEAD
CARDS: We’re looking!
R QUEEN: JUST GET IT DONE!
Or else it’s
OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!
CARDS: OFF WITH YOUR HEAD
R QUEEN: OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!
CARDS: OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!
R QUEEN: AHHHHHHHHH RABBIT: Alice, get back here!
CROWD: OFF WITH YOUR HEAD! This isn’t how a
OFF WITH YOUR HEAD! young adult behaves!
OFF WITH YOUR HEAD! Alice, you’re
OFF WITH YOUR HEAD! disrupting the class!
R QUEEN: OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!

(The courtroom dissolves, ALICE shrinks down to her littlest height yet.)

[ THE CATERPILLAR ]

(ALICE enters, she is now the size of a mushroom. The CATERPILLAR appears.)

ALICE: Now what size am I? And where am I?

CATER: The question is who.

ALICE: What?
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CATER: No, who. Who are you?

ALICE: I – I really don’t know right now. I knew who I was when I got up this morning.

CATER: Oh, who?

ALICE: Well, Alice. But I’ve changed so many times since then, you know?

CATER: What do you mean by that? Explain yourself.

ALICE: I can’t explain myself, because I’m not myself, you know?

CATER: I don’t know. What do you call yourself now?

ALICE: Alice.

CATER: That sounds like an answer.

ALICE: To what?

CATER: No, to who.

ALICE: You don’t understand! I decided to become a queen, you know, I finally decided,
and then when I was one - I wasn’t! I just wasn't!

CATER: Perhaps you were though.

ALICE: Perhaps I was what?

CATER: Perhaps you were a Queen, you know, at least for a little while. I was a dog once.

ALICE: Are you the caterpillar?

CATER: Yes.

ALICE: Then that means one day you’ll have to change into a butterfly.

CATER: Naturally.
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ALICE: And don’t you think about that?

CATER: I think about it all the time.

ALICE: And? Won’t you miss being a caterpillar?

CATER: I’ll still be a caterpillar when I’m a butterfly.

ALICE: How? What you are will change completely and you won’t be yourself anymore.

CATER: What I am and who I am are two different things entirely.

ALICE: What?

CATER: No, who. The question is who are you?

[ 14. GROWING ]

ALICE: I’VE BEEN SO MANY SIZES TODAY

I’VE BEEN GROWING UP, GROWING DOWN
CAN’T STAY THE SAME
I’VE CHANGED
SUDDENLY I’M SOMETHING NEW
I DON’T KNOW WHO I AM, DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO

ONCE I WAS UP AND MY THINKING WAS SOUND

KNOWING ALL THAT I WAS, CAME TUMBLING DOWN
TO THIS PLACE
NOW I’M A STRANGER TO ME
I DON’T KNOW WHAT I AM; OR WHO I SHOULD BE

I’M GROWING AND GROWING

AND SLOWLY UNKNOWING
BEEN SHRINKING AND THINKING

CATER: YOU’RE LOST TO YOURSELF

BUT GROWING MEANS SLOWLY
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LET GOING
OF PARTS THAT WERE YOU

ALICE: I DIDN’T WANT ALL THIS

I DIDN’T ASK FOR IT
I LIKED THE WAY THAT I WAS AND I KNEW WHO I WAS
I WAS POSITIVE

CATER: SO?

ALICE: CAN I GO BACK TO ME?

STOP WHAT IS HAPPENING ?

CATER: NO WHO ARE YOU?

ALICE: WHO AM I?

CATER: WHO ARE YOU?

ALICE: I DON’T KNOW

CATER: WHAT A TRAGEDY

ALICE: OH, YOU DON’T GET IT

YOU WON’T UNDERSTAND TILL IT HAPPENS TO YOU

CATER: OH, I PROMISE I CAN

ALICE: BUT SOMEDAY

YOU’LL SEE WHAT CHANGE IS ABOUT
WHEN YOU GET YOUR COCOON
AND YOU BUTTERFLY OUT
YOU’LL BE
GROWING AND GROWING
AND SLOWLY UNKNOWING

CATER: THAT ISN’T A PROBLEM TO ME

YOU’RE GROWING AND GROWING
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THERE’S NO USE IN KNOWING

THE WAY THAT YOU’RE GOING
YOU’RE GOING TO BE
YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE
TILL YOU AREN’T WHO YOU WERE
THEN YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE
AND THAT CHANGES YOU WILL LEARN
WHEN YOU’RE

CATER /
ALICE: GROWING AND GROWING
AND SLOWLY UNKNOWING
YOU’RE SHRINKING AND THINKING
YOU’RE LOST TO YOURSELF
BUT GROWING MEANS SLOWLY
LET GOING OF PARTS THAT WERE YOU

(The CATERPILLAR turns into a butterfly.)

ALICE: I’M GROWING AND GROWING…

(The CAT appears)

CAT: What happened to the caterpillar?

ALICE: They turned into a butterfly.

[ 15. QUESTIONS ]

CAT: SOMETHING’S STARTED

MR. C: No talking to each other during presentations.

CAT: THE CLOCK IS TICKING, TICKING

TOD: Can I borrow a pencil?

NICOLA: Can you pass me my notebook?

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ALICE: What time is it?

MR. C: Who wants to go next?

ALICE: Do you hear that?

CAT: Curiouser and curiouser…

ALICE: Listen...

MR. C: Let’s all stay focused please. Alice.

ALICE: What? (The CAT disappears. ALICE is back in the classroom.)

[ WAKING UP ]

MR. C: Alice. Are you paying attention? You’re staring out the window again.

ALICE: Oh, sorry. I...I was just...thinking.

(A butterfly flies in the window. BUDDY sees it first.)

BUDDY: What is that? Ew! A bug! A bug!

NICOLA: Ahhh! Where?

DOUGGIE: There it is!

TOD/
TODD: Wow…

TODD: That’s a pretty bug.

RUBY: It’s not a bug. It’s a butterfly.

(The butterfly floats above their heads. They watch it. Time slows down for a
moment. This is special.)
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NICOLA: Is it lost?

TOD: It’s just checking things out.

TODD: Yeah, exploring.

DOUGGIE: Where did it come from?

RUBY: From a caterpillar.

BUDDY: Oh yeah, caterpillars grow into butterflies right?

MR. C: That’s right.

(The Butterfly lands on ALICE and RUBY’s hands. Time slows for a moment.)

CAT: What will it grow into next?

RUBY/
ALICE: That’s a good question.

(The Butterfly flies away. They all huddle at the window to watch it go.)

MR. C: Alright, back to our seats. Alice, did you finish your homework?

ALICE: What?

MR. C: Did you answer that one question?

ALICE: Oh. Umm. Yes. One second. (She writes her answer. She shows him)

MR. C: ...that’s a good answer. Do you want to present to the class?

ALICE: Oh. But it’s after twelve o’clock. Is there time?

MR. C: Well…according to this clock it’s still early. We can make time.
 85

ALICE: Okay.

(ALICE goes to the front of the class.)

ALICE: DO YOU HAVE A QUESTION?

STEALING YOUR ATTENTION?
WHAT IS IT YOU WONDER?
I BET OTHERS WONDER TOO

I GOT A LOT QUESTIONS

DON’T KNOW WHAT I’LL BE YET

CAT: DON’T BE AFRAID

THE THOUGHTS IN YOUR HEAD ARE IN EVERYONE’S
SOME NEVER ASK, SOME ONLY LISTEN TO SOMEONE ELSE
TRUST YOURSELF

(She answers the questions ‘what do you want to be when you grow up’ by
writing in big letters on the chalkboard: ALICE)

ALICE: NOW WE’RE GROWING OLDER

EVERY WAKING MOMENT
TIME IS GOING, YOU CAN’T HOLD IT
WE ARE HAPPENING RIGHT NOW
NOW THE TIME IS GOLDEN
KNOWING WE DON’T KNOW YET

ALICE: DON’T BE AFRAID

ALL: THE THOUGHTS IN YOUR HEAD ARE IN EVERYONE’S
CAT/ ALICE: SOME NEVER ASK
ALICE: SOME ONLY LISTEN TO SOMEONE ELSE
ALL: DON’T BE AFRAID

ALICE: OF ALL OF THE YOU’S YOU HAVE YET TO KNOW

ALL: TIMES MOVING FAST
WE’VE ONLY JUST STARTED TO GROW

ALICE: WE DON’T KNOW!

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CAT: WHERE IS YOUR WONDERLAND

MR. C: THE SEARCH WILL TAKE SOME TIME
ALICE/CAT: YOU CAN CHANGE, CHANGE AGAIN
AND LIVE A THOUSAND LIVES

TOD/TODD: LEARN TO BE
NICOLA: LEARN TO TRY
BUDDY/RUBY: LEARN TO SAY GOODBYE
ALL: WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL ALIVE?

DON’T KEEP IT TRAPPED INSIDE

SLOW DOWN YOUR DOING FINE
THERE’S STILL A LOT OF TIME
LET OUT THAT WAITING WHY

GROWING AND GROWING

AND GROWING AND GROWING AND
GROWING AND GROWING
AND GROWING AND GROWING AND
GROWING AND GROWING
AND GROWING AND GROWING AND
GROWING AND GROWING
AND GROWING AND GROWING AND
GROWING AND GROWING
AND GROWING AND GROWING AND
GROWING AND GROWING
AND GROWING AND GROWING AND

ALICE: DON’T BE AFRAID

THE QUESTIONS YOU ASK ARE IN EVERYONE
DON’T BE AFRAID, TO GIVE UP THE FEAR THAT YOU’LL GROW

(Class resumes. Everyone raises their hands to ask a question.)

END