Interpersonal Effectiveness Handout 17 (I. E.

Worksheet 12)

Validation

Validation Means:
•• Finding the kernel of truth in another person’s perspective or situation; verifying the facts of
a situation.
•• Acknowledging that a person’s emotions, thoughts, and behaviors have causes and are
therefore understandable.
•• Not necessarily agreeing with the other person.
•• Not validating what is actually invalid.

Why Validate?
•• It improves our relationships by showing we are listening and understand.
•• It improves interpersonal effectiveness by reducing:
1. Pressure to prove who is right
2. Negative reactivity
3. Anger
•• It makes problem solving, closeness, and support possible.
•• Invalidation hurts.

Important Things to Validate

•• The valid (and only the valid).
•• The facts of a situation.
•• A person’s experiences, feelings/emotions, beliefs, opinions, or thoughts about something.
•• Suffering and difficulties.

Remember:
•• Every invalid response makes sense in some way.
•• Validation is not necessarily agreeing.
•• Validation doesn’t mean you like it.
•• Only validate the valid!

Note. Adapted from Linehan, M. M. (1997). Validation and psychotherapy. In A. Bohart & L. Greenberg (Eds.), Empathy reconsidered: New
directions in psychotherapy (pp. 353–392). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association. Copyright 1997 by the American Psycho-
logical Association. Adapted by permission.
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details).

155
 Interpersonal Effectiveness Handout 18 (I. E. Worksheet 12)

A “How To” Guide to Validation

1.  Pay Attention:
Look interested, listen, and observe. No multitasking. Make eye contact. Stay focused. Nod
occasionally. Respond with your face (e.g., smile at happy statements; look concerned when
hearing something painful).

2.  Reflect Back:
Say back what you heard or observed to be sure you actually understand what the person is
saying. No judgmental language or voice tone!
Try to really “get” what the person feels or thinks. Have an open mind. (No disagreeing,
criticizing, or trying to change the person’s mind or goals.) Use a voice tone that allows the
other person to correct you . . . and check the facts!
Example: “So you are mad at me because you think I lied just to get back at you. Did I get it
right?”

3.  “Read Minds”:
Be sensitive to what is not being said by the other person. Pay attention to facial
expressions, body language, what is happening, and what you know about the person
already. Show that you understand in words or by your actions. Be open to correction.
Example: When you are asking a friend for a ride at the end of a long day and the person
slumps down, say, “You look really tired. Let me look for someone else.”

4.  Understand:
Look for how the other person feels, is thinking, or if he or she is making sense, given the
person’s history, state of mind or body, or current events (i.e. the causes)—even if you don’t
approve of the person’s behavior, or if his or her belief is incorrect. Say “It makes sense that
you . . . because . . . ”
Example: If you sent a party invitation to the wrong address, say, “I can see why you thought
I might be excluding you on purpose.”

5.  Acknowledge the valid:

Show that you see that the person’s thoughts, feelings, or actions are valid, given current
reality and facts. Act as if the person’s behavior is valid.
Example: If you are criticized for not taking out the garbage on your day, admit that it is your
day and take it out. If people present a problem, help them solve it (unless they just want to
be heard). If people are hungry, give them food. Acknowledge the effort a person is making.

6.  Show Equality:
Be yourself! Don’t “one-up” or “one-down” the other person. Treat the other as an equal, not
as fragile or incompetent.
Example: Be willing to admit mistakes. If someone introduces him- or herself by first name,
introduce yourself by your first name. Ask other people for their opinions. Give up being
defensive. Be careful in giving advice or telling someone what to do if you are not asked or
required to do so. Even then, remember you could be wrong.
Note. Adapted from Linehan, M. M. (1997). Validation and psychotherapy. In A. Bohart & L. Greenberg (Eds.), Empathy reconsidered: New
directions in psychotherapy (pp. 353–392). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association. Copyright 1997 by the American Psycho-
logical Association. Adapted by permission.
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details).

156
 Interpersonal Effectiveness Handout 18a
Identifying Validation

For each A and B pair, check the more effective response.

1A. Think about your day when the other

• ‰‰ 5A. Remember that people’s thoughts,
• ‰‰
• •
• person is talking about his or her day. • feelings, and behaviors don’t always
• • match. Check the facts.
• ‰‰
1B. Throw yourself into listening about the •
• •
 other person’s day. • ‰‰
5B. Assume that you can tell exactly what
•
 people are feeling and thinking.

2A. If you are uncertain of people’s

• ‰‰ 6A. Evaluate other people’s behaviors and
• ‰‰
• thoughts and feelings, ask them what • thoughts, and tell them that they are
• •
• they are thinking or feeling, or try to • wrong or that they should be different
• imagine yourself in their situation. • when you feel sure you are right.
• •
• •
2B. Assume that if people want you
• ‰‰ 6B. If you do not agree with what another
• ‰‰
• to know what they are thinking or • person is doing or thinking, try to
• •
 feeling, they will tell you. • understand how it could make sense if
• you understood the causes.


3A. Observe the small clues that indicate

• ‰‰ 7A. Assume that if you tell a person his
• ‰‰
• •
• what is going on in social situations. • or her request of you makes sense,
• • that’s all you have to do to validate the
• ‰‰
3B. Observe only what people say, and •
• • person.
 ignore nonverbal signals.
•
7B. When a person asks you for
• ‰‰
• something, giving the person what
•
 has been asked for is validation.

4A. Jump to conclusions about what

• ‰‰ 8A. Assume that other people’s reactions
• ‰‰
• •
• people mean. • to you have nothing to do with yours to
• • them.
• ‰‰
4B. Realize that the same behavior can •
• •
 mean many things. • ‰‰
8B. Treat each person with respect and as
•
 an equal.

From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details).

157
 Interpersonal Effectiveness Handout 19 (I. E. Worksheet 13) (p. 1 of 2)

Recovering from Invalidation

Notice That Invalidation

Can Be Helpful and Painful at the Same Time

Remember:
Invalidation Is Helpful When

1. It corrects important mistakes (your facts are wrong).

2. It stimulates intellectual and personal growth by listening

to other views.

3. Other:                       

Invalidation Is Painful When

1. You are being ignored.

2. You are not being repeatedly misunderstood.

3. You are being misread.

4. You are being misinterpreted.

5. Important facts in your life are ignored or denied.

6. You are receiving unequal treatment.

7. You are being disbelieved when being truthful.

8. Your private experiences are trivialized or denied.

9. Other:                       

(continued on next page)

From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details).

158
Interpersonal Effectiveness Handout 19 (p. 2 of 2)

Be Nondefensive and Check the Facts

Check all the facts to see if your responses are valid or invalid.
‰‰
Check them out with someone you can trust to validate the valid.

Acknowledge when your responses don’t make sense and are not
‰‰
valid.

Work to change invalid thinking, comments, or actions. (Also, stop

‰‰
blaming. It rarely helps a situation.)

Drop judgmental self-­statements. (Practice opposite action.)

‰‰

Remind yourself that all behavior is caused and that you are doing
‰‰
your best.

Be compassionate toward yourself. Practice self-­soothing.

‰‰

Admit that it hurts to be invalidated by others, even if they are right.

‰‰

Acknowledge when your reactions make sense and are valid in a

‰‰
situation.

Remember that being invalidated, even when your response is

‰‰
actually valid, is rarely a complete catastrophe.

Describe your experiences and actions in a supportive environment.

‰‰

Grieve traumatic invalidation and the harm it created.

‰‰

Practice radical acceptance of the invalidating person.

‰‰

Validate Yourself Exactly the Way You Would

Validate Someone Else

159
 Interpersonal Effectiveness Handout 19a
Identifying Self-­Validation

For each A and B pair, check the more effective response when someone else invalidates you.

1A. Describe your own experience, point

• ‰‰ 4A. Jump to anger and call yourself a
• ‰‰
• •
• of view, emotion, or action in a matter- • wimp if you start feeling sad or alone.
• of-fact way. •
• • ‰‰
4B. Accept that it hurts to be invalidated,
• •
• ‰‰
1B. Say, “How stupid of me,” or put  and feel the pain.
•
 yourself down for your response.

2A. Blast the other person and argue your

• ‰‰ 5A. When you make a mistake, remind
• ‰‰
• •
• point of view, even if you might be • yourself that you are human, and
• wrong. • humans make mistakes.
• •
• •
• ‰‰
2B. When someone disagrees with what • ‰‰
5B. Blame and punish yourself for being
• •
• you think or do, be open to being • wrong; avoid people who know you
• •
• wrong and being OK with that. Check  were wrong.
• the facts.


3A. When you are checking the facts

• ‰‰ 6A. See yourself as “screwed up” or
• ‰‰
• •
• (if only in your mind), stand up for • “damaged goods,” and give in to
• yourself if you are correct or if your • shame and misery.
• •
• response is reasonable. •
• • ‰‰
6B. Respond and talk to yourself with
• •
3B. Assume that your experience of the
• ‰‰ • understanding and compassion.
• •
• facts is wrong. Give up and give in. • Remind yourself that all responses
• Judge yourself and the person who • are caused and make sense if you
• •
• invalidated you. • explore the reasons long enough.
 

From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details).

160