Parenting with Presence ©

How can families support children manage their emotions?

Emotions are core to human experience and fundamental to the development of mental tness
and prosocial development from birth to adulthood. They play a signi cant role in the
development of coping and optimising life’s journeys, yet they remain intangible and elusive due
to the impact they have on our physiology, given they are invisible and only identi able through
behaviour or expression.

We can’t see the emotions in our body but we can certainly feel them, especially when they
present themselves strongly. They can cause serious disruption to a calm state, they can
interfere with being serene, they can be painfully spiking when we can’t gain control, and they can
be hurtful when we least expect it. For children, as for some adults, this can be an overwhelming
experience which causes considerable discomfort, that we don’t want to experience that again.
Our minds link the experience of the emotion to the event which caused the emotion; logically we
avoid the emotion by avoiding any re-experiencing of that event. Welcome to avoidance
behaviour.

When children experience pleasant and favourable emotions, they experience safety which invites
exploration and engagement toward their environments. Welcome to approach behaviours. This
often looks like “happiness”, and it makes us also feel valued and competent. Happiness
becomes the preferred emotional state for obvious reasons, like minimal [or absence of]
discomfort, a sense of control and sense of strong, supportive connections. It becomes
displeasing when this stability is challenged due to the experiences of stress in the body. We tend
to ignore those feelings that present themselves quietly or softly because our bodies don’t hurt
when levels of emotion are low.

Strong and overwhelming emotions like anger or

humiliation or embarrassment, are emotional Emotions are simply data - they are
consequences of neurochemical changes in the
brain and then body. Children’s perceptions of information that represents an
trespass, threat or harm trigger a stress response in internalised state of experiences, which
the brain through the HPA axis [hypothalamus, we use to help us understand our
pituitary, adrenal line of hormonal response] and interaction with our environment.
stress hormones are released in the body, causing
symptoms like:
It’s not the emotions themselves that are
Tight chest scary, it’s the physiological experiences
Nausea which are then described as the emotion.
Hyperventilation or di culty breathing
Jittery legs
Dry throat and mouth Because the feelings are so strong and so
Confusion or dizziness overwhelming, children simply act out
Frequent toiletting the emotion…they are compelled to
Tantrums
Racing heart behave into that emotion, so that the
Hot ushes information is processed.

Sometimes the symptoms of unpleasant emotions are not so extreme, but rather feel like a
pervasive uneasiness that is experienced like nervous energy, but is nevertheless just as
disruptive because like the very strong emotions, it disrupts our ability to feel safe and in control.

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 Every emotion has a purpose, a message, something to
communicate - as parents we tend to ignore the feelings and focus
on the behaviour, because that is what takes our attention.

Managing strong unpleasant emotions is NOT about whether an emotion is appropriate or

permissible:
“You shouldn’t be so angry that your brother hit you, it was an accident”
but instead about the appropriateness of the behavioural expression which is linked to that
emotion:
“I can see you are angry that you have been hit, that is understandable, it hurts to be hit. This was
an accident and can happen when you are both playing with lots of energy. Tell your brother how
it felt and he can give you a cuddle. You can also give him a cuddle if he accidentally hurts you
too”

Parent Rule #1:

Do not ever punish an emotion or the
presence of an emotion, simply say the
Pay attention to the emotion and then emotion you see in your child. Your task is
respond to the behaviour. to support and improve the development of
functional behaviours - ones that promote
Ask your child to name the emotion first, kindness, patience and optimism.
and if they cannot, then help them find an
appropriate label for how they are feeling.

A wonderful way to support children manage their emotions is by using an abundance of

emotional words at home. When you talk about your day in your family space, describe how you
felt at di erent times of the day, both pleasant and unpleasant, so your children can see that
emotions are not good or bad, positive or negative, they are simply feelings that helps us add
deeper meaning and understanding to how we make choices and cope with daily life. You teach
emotional literacy in action!

A resource to which I often refer is the Gloria Wilcox Wheel of Emotions:

https://www.google.com.au/search?
q=Gloria+Wilcox+Wheel+of+Emotions&rlz=1C5CHFA_enAU611AU611&tbm=isch&imgil=Qu9PKftR404U2M%253A%253B2ucWFXDm
AI29mM%253Bhttps%25253A%25252F%25252Fwww.pinterest.com%25252Fpin%25252F533676624571669744%25252F&source=i
u&pf=m& r=Qu9PKftR404U2M%253A%252C2ucWFXDmAI29mM%252C_&usg=__AnEia2vFQhSxt-218jRbEX0 x0%3D&biw=1369&bi
h=732&ved=0ahUKEwiqg4T24Z_WAhUDw7wKHfnABPgQyjcIWQ&ei=sOK3WarrG4OG8wX5gZPADw#imgrc=Qu9PKftR404U2M:

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 There are so many reliable and creative strategies that are available through the BeYou website
and other reliable sites. The importance is to know that holding hard emotions without
acknowledgement and without validation come at a cost; the cost is developing a pattern of
di cult behaviours and risk factors for mental ill-health due to accumulating stress levels in the
body.

Parent Rule #2:

Teach children to release their emotions safely:

Use slow, calm in-breath that expand the lungs and regulate a slow out-
breath to release
Take a little run or kick a ball or go up and down stairs or star jumps - this
helps use up the stress hormones so that the body does not have to hold them
Stretch your body out in all different directions - hold and stretch further
Squeeze a pillow, a ball, a soft toy, play dough, a bean bag

How might support di er at di erent stages of development? [babies to toddler to pre-

school to primary]

Providing emotional support will di er depending on their age and stage of development. The
greatest di erence will be the presence of language; the greatest similarity will be the presence of
calm.

Babies:
From birth to 10 months there are signi cant new neurons and connections forming in the baby’s
brain. It is a time where attachment is very rich and emotions play a crucial role in
communication, soothing and protection of the baby and it’s healthy development. The support
from primary care-givers during this period should focus on creating and managing calming
feelings around the baby. For example, gentle tones, smiling faces, an abundance of eye contact,
and modelling lots of pleasant feelings like joy, peacefulness, contentment, pride, awe, surprise
and love. Of course there are many more, however, the task for the parent is to activate these
emotions as much as possible and express them through touch and sound and song. When
parents “act out” these feelings with their babies, strong protective factors are formed for the
infant like safety, control and resilience.

Toddlers:
The positive emotions referred to above now requires a more complex support response which
involves the introduction of language. Your toddler will bene t from all the emotions referred to
above with labels to help them understand the world of emotional literacy. Using exaggerated
facial expressions during your interactions and matching them with the feeling words as you
model the micro expressions. During this period, picture books that show clear emotions and
referring those emotions back to them is another important strategy to improve their
understanding that feelings are an important part of life.

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Pre-School:
This support is further strengthened where parents activate high level
emotional literacy, the expression of varied and more complex feeling words; like,
amazed, insecure, excited, trusting, startled, curious, unsure, etc. Sentence
starters are necessary here - it’s not just naming the emotion, but owing it. For
parents to model the language that comes with the experience:
I feel pleased that we grew our own carrots
I feel grumpy that my parcel arrived late
I feel curious about the next book
I am feeling unsure about going out as it looks like it might rain
I am feeling overwhelmed with all the phone calls today
I am feeling con dent that the mu ns will be eaten at the party

When parents are helping their child identify and manage their emotions, avoid
telling them what or how they think their child feels - instead observe the
behaviours and ask your child to con rm or correct that feeling:

DO NOT say - “you are angry and you need to stop screaming”
DO SAY - “it looks like you are angry, is that right? Strong emotions can
really take over our bodies. I can stay calm with you until you can nd
your words”

DO NOT say - “you are so unsure of yourself, just make a decision and
choose an ice-cream avour”
DO SAY - “it seems like you feel unsure about what avour you might like
to choose, is that what’s happening? Lots of choices can be confusing,
think about the best 3, and choose one from them. Let me know if you
need me to help you

DO NOT say - “you are having a grumpy day and are not putting any of
your toys away”
DO SAY - “are you feeling grumpy at the moment? You are frowning so
I’m wondering what you are thinking about? I can help you nd your
words, if you like? Let’s tidy up and we can do some drawings together?”

Talk emotions
Feel emotions
Name emotions
Breathe into emotions
Understand emotions
Growth is possible when there is respectful dialogue through the
attention given to children’s “feeling experiences” - Dr Daniel Siegel
calls this, “The Felt Experience” - when a parent connects so
authentically with the child’s emotion, that the child has an inherent
experience of knowing that the parent knows how they feel
All this takes great practice

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 Primary School:
This next level of support will require parents to do all of the above, but begin to
manage the unhelpful thinking which normally precedes strong emotions.
Children now are pro cient at telling you why they are upset, what caused it and
can advocate for protection or punishment - this can create power dynamics which
may not be obvious at the time, but patterns of responses are being formed:

Maya: “dad, Joud ate the last biscuit and that was meant to be mine. She
poked her tongue out and said there were none left. She always does this
to me. I hate her”. Joud pushes Maya.
Parent: “Joud, you do not push your sister, and next time you will not eat
the last biscuit. Go to your room”. Joud yells and goes into the bathroom
and locks the door.
This is reactive and focusses primarily on negative behaviours.
It runs the risk of valuing negative or unhelpful attention.
There is no room for emotions, so children remain unsupported in
their attempts to manage such strong feelings and challenging
events.

Alternative parent response: “OK girls, it looks like this is an issue about
sharing. Dad asks both girls - What has happened? How do you feel?
How do you think your sister felt? Why? What needs to happen now?
This is parenting via positive inquiry - we allow room for conversation and
room for their voices to be heard. Allow them to lead the reconciliation
through empathy - hearing how the other person felt about the way they
were treated and why. Of course, parent guidance is always required to
direct the course of the conversations, however, it’s allowing emotions to
be expressed and assertive language to develop.

Parallel Processing is when you own

and take responsibility or collude
with the emotions of your child. This
is a common psychological
phenomenon where the emotions are
so strong and so uncomfortable, that Parent Rule #3:
you feel your child’s discomfort
quickly and deeply, so much so that Only own YOUR emotions and NOT those of
it makes it very unpleasant for you your children:
too. So in order to ameliorate its
impact, you take control of the It is normal and important for parents to
situation in order to remove the “feel” their children’s emotions. When their
unpleasant feelings. child is frustrated, parents also feel that
frustration just as deeply as that of their
For example, your child is trying to
open a lolly bag, but is nding it very child’s. This is important, as we call this
hard and is getting impatient as she empathy, and it is the greatest protective
makes noises, hu s and is factor that we can teach our children
scrunching the packet with her However, it is common but unhelpful when
ngers appearing to be clumsy as
she whines into a growl. You take parents take on [own] their children’s
the packet o her and open it emotions, and then they [parents] begin to
yourself. The underlying rule being act them out.
taught is that emotional discomfort
should be avoided and access to
immediate pleasant emotion is the
goal.

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 Instead of Parallel Processing, we
encourage Parallel Presence; being
present by remaining in their space with
Parallel Presence authority of your own emotions. This
Parallel Presence with your child by being: means when your child up-regulates,
you stay present and model how to
Confident and Calm down-regulate. In Parallel Presence
you are con dent and calm, you
Observing and Validating observe and validate, and you slow-
Slow-Down and Tone-Down down and tone-down. Don’t
Model rhythmic and poised breathing personalise your child’s emotions
because it’s not about you, it’s about
them; they are trying to learn how to
self-sooth and self-regulate.

Parallel Presence is a fundamental strategy that is applied throughout the lifespan and embodies
the core need to regulate the mind and body back to a functional state where strong coping
mechanisms can be developed.

Maria Ruberto MAPS, MIAAN

Psychologist | Neuropsychotherapist

www.salutegenics.com.au

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