Introduction

This page looks at some commonly asked questions about having sex for the first time. In case you missed it, we also talk about losing your virginity on our initial first time page.

What is virginity?
A 'virgin' is traditionally seen as someone who has never had sexual intercourse before. However, people have different ideas about what 'losing your virginity' means. For some, it's having heterosexual sex for the first time. For others, it can mean having any sort of sex including gay or lesbian sex for the first time.

Does oral/ fingering/ anal/ hand jobs count as losing your virginity?
This is a difficult question, and again, people have different views. Whether you think these things 'count' or not, don't forget that all of them can transmit STDs. And whatever you think 'being a virgin' means, remember that the most important thing is making sure you're ready before you do anything sexual. There's nothing wrong with being a virgin, and you shouldn't feel like you have to rush into losing your virginity.

She/ he is not a virgin but I am

Don't let that make you feel inferior - being a good lover is about sensitivity, not experience. And the advantage is that you don't have the pressure of being their first. He or she's more experienced - that's a good thing, your partner knows what to expect.

Won't I look inexperienced if I admit it's my first time?

No - be honest with your partner; let them know you haven't been with anyone else. There's nothing embarrassing about saying "I'm a virgin!". If you're close enough to someone to be thinking about having sex, you should be close enough to be able to talk honestly to them. If they know it's your first time, your partner will know to go easy on you.

How do I know if I'm ready?

If you aren't sure whether you're ready, then you're probably not. Don't feel pressured by your friends . . . just because other teens say they've had sex, doesn't mean you have to. And anyway, are you sure they're telling the truth? Never do anything that both you and your partner aren't totally comfortable with. What's important is that you feel good about yourself and what you are doing, and that you keep yourself safe. Being safe means not only thinking about physical risks such as pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases but also the emotional risks.

Wait until you've got some time to yourselves - having someone walk in when you're halfway through ruins the mood!
Are you comfortable in your relationship with your partner? Having sex for the first time is something you can only do once, and if you do it at a party with someone you've never met before, you might end up regretting it. Unfortunately, quite a few people never have sex again with the person they lose their virginity to. Make sure you're with the right person and it's someone you trust. Something else you'll have done if you're ready to have sex for the first time is making sure you have somecondoms and that you know how to use them. It helps if you can plan it in advance - talk to your partner, make sure you're both ready and that you've got condoms sorted out, and any other contraception you might use. Wait until you've got some time to yourselves - having someone walk in when you're halfway through ruins the mood! "We've sort of decided to wait a bit longer before we do it. I mean, we have kissed and felt each other and all that sort of thing, you know, maybe just going a little bit further each time"

Take precautions
If you're mature enough to be thinking about having sex, you should be mature enough to be able to discuss condoms. Just because someone's a virgin, it doesn't mean they definitely don't have a sexually transmitted infection such as HIV, although it does reduce the chances. "I know we were both really nervous, but talking and laughing really helped. Plus we were able to make sure nothing drastic happened. Although we loved each other loads we certainly didn't want a baby at seventeen or to put our health at risk. So we went together to the clinic, sorted things out so that there wouldn't be any worries."

Can you get pregnant your first time?

Yes! You can get pregnant whenever you have sex, and it doesn't make any difference if you do it in a bath or standing up, either. If you don't feel ready to be a parent, use contraception. "I am 15 my b.f is 16 and we have been going out a couple of months. Well one day it was just me and him all alone in his bedroom. . . . Well the next thing I know we are having sex. It was unprotected. I didn't think that anything could happen to me. But boy was I wrong. Here it is 2 months after we had unprotected sex and now we are going to have a baby."

Will it hurt?
Many girls worry that it will hurt when they have sex for the first time. It can hurt, but often not a lot, and some girls do bleed a little bit. The bleeding usually occurs because the girl has a hymen which breaks the first time she has sexual intercourse. "I didn't 'Get Off' and it hurt really bad doing it. Honestly, I never thought it would feel that painful." ". . .But my first time felt so good. SHOCKING!" The hymen is a small piece of thin skin which goes across the opening of a girl's vagina and protects it when she is young. It has some gaps in it where the blood can come out when she has her period. Sometimes a girl might already having broken her hymen without knowing about it - this can happen as a result of playing sports or horse riding. Sex the first time shouldn't hurt for a boy, but he can make it easier for his partner by being gentle and taking it slowly - try to make it special for you both. "What was it like? - Well it's difficult to describe because I'd never felt anything like it before really. I'd had orgasms through masturbation before, but sharing yourself with someone you love and respect was really good. It brought us closer together."

Will we 'come'?
First-time sex doesn't always hurt, but it isn't guaranteed to be great, either. Some couples say that on their first time they both enjoyed it, other couples say that neither of them had an orgasm. It's an individual thing, just try not to expect too much from your first time - like anything else, it takes a while to learn about your body and about your partner's. Just make sure that you're ready and you've got contraception sorted out. Talk to your partner, try to make it special and enjoyable for you both.

Feelings after sex.

If you have had sex for the first time then there may be a lot of feelings going on in your head. If it wasn't planned or it was something you felt pressured to do then you might feel bad or regret it happened. Your expectations will effect your feelings too. It will also depend on whether you were able to use contraception properly. Whatever your experience, things can change. Talking about it can usually help you get over any embarrassment or worries. You might feel your relationship has reached a new and special intimacy. If you have had a bad experience or it changes your mind about having a relationship with the person you had sex with, it doesn't set a pattern forever. You don't have to have sex with them again, or with someone else. If you didn't use contraception you don't have to go on not using it in the future.

What is birth control?

'Birth control' is a term that describes things that stop a woman or girl from becoming pregnant, or giving birth. Birth control can mean a wide range of things from 'contraceptives' (used to reduce the chances of a woman becoming pregnant) to other ways of avoiding pregnancy, like not having sex.

Making decisions about sex and birth control

If you dont want to have a baby, there are two main options either dont have sex, or if you are going to have sex, use contraception.

What is meant by 'having sex'?

Well, here were talking about having sexual intercourse, where a man inserts his penis into a womans vagina. There are other forms of having sex like oral sex, for instance but the only one thats likely to get a girl pregnant is sexual intercourse. You might be thinking yeah ok, I already know that girls get pregnant through sexual intercourse. But are you sure that you really know the facts about pregnancy? There are a lot of myths out there. Despite what you may have heard, a girl can become pregnant:

The first time she has sexual intercourse. Even if she has sex before shes had her first period. Even if she has sex during her period. Even if a boy pulls out (withdraws his penis) before he comes. Even if she has sex standing up. Even if she forgets to take her pill for just one day. Take our pregnancy quiz to make sure that you really know what causes a girl to get pregnant!

Not having sex

The only 100% effective way to avoid having a baby is to not have sexual intercourse. Abstinence is the most effective method of birth control, and many young people around the world choose this option. For some, this means not having sex until theyre married. For others, it can mean different things, like waiting until theyve found a stable partner who they feel comfortable with. You need to decide whats best for you personally dont feel pressured into having sex just because others are. Its important to feel that youre ready before you start having sex.

Dont feel pressured into having sex just because others are.
Some people believe that you shouldnt start having sex until youre married, and that even then, you should only have sex if you want to have a baby. For instance, this is generally what Catholics believe. Other religious groups (and some people who arent religious) also believe in abstinence until marriage, but many think that once you are married, its ok to use birth control if you still dont want a baby.

A lot of people, on the other hand, don't think that there's anything wrong with having sexual intercourse when you dont want a baby, and many dont believe that you have to be married, or even in a serious relationship, before you start having sex. You should think about what you personally believe about this issue.

Having sex and using contraception

As much as abstinence is the right route for some people, a lot of teens dont want to wait to have sex until theyre ready to have a baby. Puberty brings with it a lot of sexual feelings, and many choose to have sex for the first time during their teenage years. If you do choose to have sex (and you should only have sex when you're sure that you're ready), make sure that you use contraception. There are a lot of contraception options, and you should choose one that suits you and your relationship.

Abortion (termination of pregnancy)

Some women and girls dont want to have a baby, but become pregnant because theyve had sex without using contraception, or because the contraception that theyve used has failed for some reason. In these situations, women may decide to have an abortion. This is where a woman becomes pregnant, but the embryo or foetus (unborn baby) is removed, stopping pregnancy. As with birth control in general, there are many different arguments about whether abortion is right or wrong, and whether it should be allowed. Some feel that women should always have the right to decide for themselves whether they want to stop their pregnancy or not, while others argue that it's wrong to stop a baby being born, as this is taking away a human life. If you have sex, you need to consider how you feel about this issue, and how your life would be affected if you had to make such a decision. An abortion is a serious, life-changing procedure, which can carry both mental and physical risks for a woman. Different countries have different laws about abortion, and in many countries it is illegal.

Contraception Are there many different methods of contraception?

Yes. Contraceptives work by preventing a mans sperm from fertilising a womans egg, and this can be done in several different ways. There are two main types of contraception:

Barrier methods - which physically prevent sperm from swimming into the uterus and fertilising the womans egg Hormonal methods - which alter a womans hormonal cycle to prevent fertilisation. These are the main types of contraception that are generally used by teenagers.

Condoms for sale in a Chicago pharmacy

Other types of contraception, which are generally not used by young people, include natural methods such as only having sex at certain times of the month (these are often not effective enough), and sterilization, which is a permanent surgical procedure. The intrauterine device (IUD) and intrauterine system (IUS), also known as 'the coil', are generally not used by young people although in some countries, such as the UK, they are now considered suitable for all age groups.

How do you know which one to choose?

Different methods of contraception have their individual advantages and disadvantages. Theres no single best method of contraception, so you have to decide which is most suitable for you. Whatever your situation, there should be a contraception option that works for you. For many people, barrier methods of contraception are best, because they not only prevent pregnancy, but also prevent HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases being passed on during sex.

Where do you get contraceptives from?

It depends which type of contraceptive youre looking for. Barrier methods such as condoms and spermicides are widely available from drug stores and other shops in many countries. Theyre also available from many healthcare providers. Hormonal methods are only available on prescription from doctors. You can also buy some contraceptives online.

Barrier methods of contraception

There are three main barrier methods of contraception used by teens: the male condom, the female condom, and spermicides in the form of foams or gels.

The male condom

Condom

The male condom is the only method of contraception that boys can use. It's really just a rubber tube. It's closed at one end like the finger of a glove so that when a boy puts it over his penis it stops the sperm going inside a girl's body. An advantage of using male condoms is that a boy can take an active part in using contraception it's not just the girl's responsibility.

The female condom

The female condom is not as widely available as the male condom and it is more expensive. It is however very useful when the man either will not, or cannot, use a male condom. Its like a male condom, except its bigger and worn inside the vagina.

female condom

It's a good idea to practice with condoms before having sex. You can get used to touching them, and it might help you feel more confident about using them when you do have sex.

Spermicides
Spermicides are chemical agents that both kill sperm and stop sperm from travelling up into the cervix (the lower part of the uterus, or womb, where babies develop). Spermicides come in different forms including creams, foaming tablets, gels and foam (which is squirted into the vagina using an applicator). Young people who use spermicide mostly choose foam.

Spermicides are not very effective against pregnancy when used on their own, but are very effective if used at the same times as a male condom. When used together, the male condom and spermicide can be a great combination for effectively protecting against both pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases such as HIV. Some condoms also come lubricated with spermicide (Nonoxynol 9). A spermicidal lubricant aims to provide an additional level of protection if some semen happens to leak out of the condom. This can help to reduce the likelihood of pregnancy, but regular use of Nonoxynol 9 can cause an allergic reaction in some people resulting in little sores that can actually make the transmission of HIV and other sexually transmitted infections more likely. Nonoxynol 9 is only a suitable spermicide for a woman who is HIV-negative, and whose partner does not have HIV either. It should only be used for vaginal sex.

Hormonal methods of contraception

There are two main types of hormonal contraceptive which can be used by teens: the contraceptive pill, and the injectable hormonal contraceptive. If used properly, both are extremely effective in providing protection against pregnancy but they provide no protection at all against sexually transmitted diseases. For very good protection against both pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases like HIV, a hormonal method should be used at the same time as the male condom. In some countries, contraceptive patches (that stick to the skin) and rings (that go inside the vagina) are also available.

The contraceptive pill (sometimes known as the birth control pill)

contraceptive pill

What does 'going on the pill' mean? People often talk about being 'on the pill'. This means they are using the oral contraceptive pill as a method of contraception. This has nothing to do with oral sex, and just means that the contraceptive is in pill form which is taken orally (swallowed).

How does it work?

The pill contains chemicals called hormones. One type of pill called the combined pill has two hormones called Oestrogen and Progestogen. The combined pill stops the release of an egg every month but doesn't stop periods. The other type of pill only has Progestogen in it. It works by altering the mucous lining of the vagina to make it thicker. The sperm cannot then get through, and as the sperm can't meet the egg, the girl can't get pregnant.

What do you do? Usually a girl has to take one pill every day for about three weeks. She then takes a break for seven days while she has her period, before starting the cycle again (or instead, she may take sugar pills for those seven days, i.e. pills that dont actually have any affect, but which are taken purely so she keeps in the routine) for seven days. It's very important not to forget to take these pills. If this happens, protection against pregnancy is lost. The Progestogen-only pill also has to be taken at the same time every day.

How effective is the pill? It's a very effective method of contraception if it is taken correctly. If the pill is taken exactly according to the instructions, the chance of pregnancy occurring is practically nil. But if a girl forgets a pill, or is very unwell, its effectiveness is reduced. Another disadvantage of the pill is that it does not provide any protection against STDs. For very good protection against both pregnancy and STDs, the birth control pill should be used at the same time as the male condom.

Injectable Hormonal Contraceptive

How do you use it? How does it work? The most popular form of this type of contraception, Depo-Provera, involves the girl having an injection once every twelve weeks. The injection is of the hormone Progestogen. The injection works in the same way in the body as the Progestogen only pill, but has the advantage that you do not have to remember to take a pill every day. It does however have the same disadvantage as the hormonal pill, in that it provides no protection against STDs.1

The Contraceptive Implant

What is it? The 'implant' is a newer form of contraceptive, which has become available in some countries, such as the UK. It is a small tube, a little over an inch long, which is inserted under the skin on the inside of a girl's arm.

How does it work? The implant works in a similar way to the contraceptive pill, but instead of taking a pill every day, hormones are steadily released into a girl's body from the device. This is seen as an advantage, particularly for girls who have trouble remembering or don't like having to take a pill every day. However,

the implant can cause unwanted side effects, and like the other hormonal contraceptives, the implant does not protect against STDs.

The morning after pill

If a girl has had unprotected sex, but doesnt want to have a baby, one option is the morning after pill an emergency contraceptive that can prevent pregnancy, when taken after sex. The name is actually a little bit misleading, as it doesnt necessarily have to be taken the morning after it can work up to 72 hours after youve had sex. However, its most effective when taken within 24 hours of sex, and the sooner you take it, the better. In a lot of countries you can get the morning after pill for free, as a prescription from your doctor or healthcare provider. In some including the U.S., Scotland, England and Northern Ireland - you can also buy it over the counter at pharmacies. In Wales, it is available free at pharmacies. Although the morning after pill can be an effective way to avoid pregnancy if you have had unprotected sex, you shouldnt rely on it, or use it regularly. Its not as effective as other methods of contraception, and can have side effects. Whats more, it wont protect you from HIV or other sexually transmitted diseases.

Introduction
There can be a lot of pressure to lose your virginity - that is, to have sexual intercourse for the first time. Having sex just because you want to lose your virginity, or because you think all your friends are doing it, is something you may regret later. Sexual intercourse can lead to pregnancy. So, before having sex you should think about whether you need to use contraception to prevent unwanted pregnancy, and condoms to prevent Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs). You might feel lots of anxieties, especially the first time you have sexual intercourse (often referred to as 'having sex'). You may feel embarrassed about how you look without your clothes on, or worried about your privacy being disturbed. It's natural to worry, but good communication can really help. You should be able to talk to your partner about your concerns and how you feel about having sex for the first time. Your partner might be worried too, and talking can really ease the tension. If you're too shy, or you're not able to talk about these things with your partner, then you probably shouldn't be having sex!

Can a girl become pregnant the first time she has sexual intercourse?
Yes, a girl can become pregnant the first time she has sexual intercourse. So, you must use contraception the first time you have sexual intercourse, if you don't want to risk becoming a parent.

What about the law?

The age of consent, that is the age at which it is legal to have sex, depends on which country you are in, and in the United States the law is different in different states (see our sex laws page for further details).

In England and Wales, the law says it's illegal for a boy or a girl to have sex with a girl or a boy who is under sixteen.

Sexual intercourse and love

For some people sexual feelings are bound up with love and close relationships. Some people think sexual intercourse should only happen within marriage. For other people sex and love are two different things. What is important is that you feel good about yourself and what you are doing, and that you keep yourself safe. Being safe means not only thinking about physical risks such as pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). But also emotional risks such as the regret you may feel afterwards.

When are you ready for sex?

There is no absolute right age to start having sex. What matters is whether it is the right time for you. It also depends on what you mean by 'having sex'. There are many ways in which you can give and receive sexual pleasure without having sexual intercourse. Giving each other massages, kissing and hugging can be very passionate. It's a way of sharing and showing love. For some people these activities can be more fulfilling than sexual intercourse.

You may feel that you are not ready emotionally. Being pushed into having sex could mean you regret it later on.
You get pressure from people talking about sex. You think, 'I've got to go and see what it's like'. It's hard, but you've got to resist and do what you want. It's very important not to feel pressurised into having sex when you don't really want to. Just because your friends say they are 'doing it' doesn't mean they are. Thinking through all the implications of having sex can be a useful way of helping you arrive at a decision. There are lots of reasons why people don't want to have sex. You may feel that you are not ready emotionally. Being pushed into having sex could mean you regret it later on. Some people have quite strong religious or cultural beliefs. Others just want to wait. Some people call this decision to wait 'abstinence'. The decision to abstain from having sex can be either a long-term decision or a short-term one. Some people decide that they do not want to start having sex until they are married or in a significant long-term relationship. Other people may decide that having sex isn't the right thing for them at this particular time. Later on they may meet a person who they want and feel ready to have sex with. The decision whether to have sex or not is an important one. You should do what is right for you. It should be an informed decision, and not one based on fear or pressure from others. But when a boy and girl do decide they want to have sexual intercourse, they should think about using a contraceptive unless they want to become parents. Young gay men should also think about using condoms. Condoms can help stop infections like HIV as well as reducing the risk of getting pregnant. If you're thinking about having sexual intercourse, why not read our ready for sex questions to help you decide if you're ready?

How exactly do you have sexual intercourse? What position is best?

Sexual intercourse between a boy and a girl starts with both of them getting sexually excited as a result of kissing, stroking, caressing, rubbing and touching each other. This sexual excitement will result in certain physical signs of sexual excitement. For the girl, the vagina, the sexual opening between the legs, begins to moisten. The boy will get an erection, which means his penis will get bigger and harden. It is important that this stimulation goes on for long enough, because if the girl is not sexually excited enough, then her vagina will not be lubricated and moist enough, and it will be difficult for the boy's penis to enter the girl's vagina.

There are quite a number of different positions in which you can have sexual intercourse. One very common position involves both the boy and the girl lying down, with the boy lying on top
When the couple are both ready to have sexual intercourse (and this includes the boy putting a condom on if he is going to use one), it is probably easiest if either the boy or the girl uses their hand to guide the penis into the vagina. Then, once the penis is inside, the couple need to move their bodies so that the penis pushes into the vagina and then pulls partly out again. After a while this movement can lead to orgasm (coming or climaxing) for one or both of them. There are quite a number of different positions in which you can have sexual intercourse. One very common position involves both the boy and the girl lying down, with the boy lying on top (This is often referred to as the missionary position). Alternatively the girl can be on top or both the boy and the girl can lie on their sides. It is probably easiest to choose one of these positions if you are having sexual intercourse for the first time. However, you can also have sexual intercourse with both the boy and the girl sitting down, one on the other, or both can be standing up. What is most important about whichever position you choose, is that it provides stimulation and enjoyment for both of you.

Will first time sex hurt?

Many boys and girls are concerned that it will hurt the first time they have sexual intercourse. It can hurt and some girls do bleed a little bit. The bleeding usually occurs because the girl has a hymen which breaks the first time she has sexual intercourse. The hymen is a small piece of thin skin which goes across the opening of the vagina and protects it when she is young. It has some gaps in it where the blood can come out when she has her period. Sometimes a girl might already have broken her hymen without knowing about it. For example, this can happen as a result of playing sports or horse riding. AVERT.org has more information about having sex for the first time and losing your virginity.

Some accounts from young people

Some first time sex stories have a happy ending, while others are full of regrets. Below is a selection of typical experiences.

At their house
"I lost my virginity when I was 13 and I still am 13 today. It hurt bad and I was so scared. I knew I couldn't tell anyone except my friend who was there. The worst part of my story is that the guy was 18. This is how my story goes. "One night I stayed the night at my friend's house. We were talking to these guys I had only known for like a couple of months. They said that they would come and pick us up from her apartment. So we got ready and then they came. I didn't think that anything would happen because I had gone and hung-out with them before at their house. But this time it was different. My whole life was about to change. "When we got to their house we just hung out and watched T.V. Then I laid on his bed and he jumped on me while my friend and his brother were watching a movie and making out. He started to finger me and then all the sudden I realize I am having sex. I think what made me not say no was because my friend had already had it and I wanted to, but I didn't think it would ever happen in a million years and especially when my friend and his brother were in the room. "Well me and my friend haven't told anyone and I am too scared to say anything to anyone because I don't want people to think I am a hoe or I am easy or anything. But now I have to live with the guilt of not being able to tell my mom or anyone at that. Me and my mom have talked about sex and I said that I would never do it unless I was like older but I lied to myself and my mom. It made and still makes me feel so bad. I feel like kind of dirty now, but I think eventually I will get over it in time."

Deciding to wait
"When we'd been going out a while everyone started treating us like a couple. People assume because you're going out you have to do everything together. And, once you're an item its only a matter of time before they assume that you're having sex. "But you see, we've sort of decided to wait a bit longer before we do it. I mean, we have kissed and felt each other and all that sort of thing, you know, maybe just going a little bit further each time, and sometimes I have just wanted to get it over with. You know, the first time - I've heard people say, 'you might as well get it over with, it isn't very good so why wait?'"

Simon
"I'd known Simon for ages, but it wasn't until Year 11 that we started going out. That was two years ago now and we've been together ever since. After about a year we both felt we wanted to have sex, go all the way. We'd nearly done it anyway what with all the snogging and fumbling we'd done on sofas and at discos. Because we were friends and talked a lot we talked about sex too. "I know we were both really nervous, but talking and laughing really helped. Plus we were able to make sure nothing drastic happened. Although we loved each other loads we certainly didn't want a baby at seventeen or to put our health at risk. So we went together to the clinic, sorted things out so that there wouldn't be any worries. "We made sure we picked the right time and the right place too. It would have been awful for someone to walk in on us, during our private time. What was it like? - Well it's difficult to describe because I'd never felt

anything like it before really. I'd had orgasms through masturbation before, but sharing yourself with someone you love and respect was really good. It brought us closer together."

A great party?
"I was round at Terry's. It was a great party. Loads of people were there. I was just standing around with my mate Steve and I see this girl over his shoulder. She smiles at me, right, so I give it the business. You know, I talk to Steve but every now and then laugh really loud and look at her again, smiling loads. She kept smiling back, so I moved in. We get talking and everything's going fine. She laughed at my jokes. Next thing I know she's looking at me all soppy and we kiss. Then it all got out of control. She's whispering to me to come upstairs - you know - and I said, 'you go on, I'll come in a minute, I've got to go to the loo first', or something. "Anyway she goes off and Steve comes over. He's really excited, going on about 'taking my chances' and 'having it off'. I didn't know what to say. I mean I was really excited about the kiss still and he's saying that I must be a right stud to pull a girl like that. It is true, I have had lots of girlfriends but it doesn't mean I'm experienced. I mean, I'm really good at the chatting up and smooth-talking but I've never actually done it. Slept with someone. But I couldn't tell him that could I? "Anyway I went upstairs, and found her in the bedroom, with all the lights off on top of a pile of coats. She had taken off half her clothes. I had been intending to say something. All the way upstairs I'd been thinking, 'tell her, tell her you're a virgin.' But how could I? I just knew she thought I wanted to have sex. I was thinking, 'I don't want it like this, what about protection and that?' "It was awful, looking back, but I did it. I fumbled around and we were hardly talking so eventually, after a bit of wrestling I got it in and it lasted about 10 seconds. I just got dressed and left. I kept thinking, 'well I've done it but what could it have been like?'"