Parent/Carer Anger Toolkit

A resource for parents & carers to help support

their child or young person to understand and
manage anger.

STEP (Swindon)

Nythe Youth Centre

The Drive
Nythe
Swindon
Phone: 01793 714042
Email: swindonstep@aol.com
About this toolkit

Children and young people can feel angry about different things at different ages. Many of the
behaviours that they will show are a normal part of growing up, however sometimes anger and
aggression can get in the way of normal everyday life, this is when they may need some help.

When young children feel angry, they cannot always understand or express why they are feeling that
way. You may notice that they:

 become irritable, and disruptive

 have difficulty sleeping

 Struggle with relationships

 disruption of family life

 frequent frustration

There are many factors that can contribute to a child or young person being angry and hostile, for
instance, unresolved feelings, such as grief related to a divorce or loss of a loved one can be the root of
the problem. A history of trauma or experiencing bullying may lead to deep-seated anger too.

Mental health issues also may be linked to angry outbursts. Children and young people with depression,
anxiety, oppositional defiant disorder, or attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder struggle to regulate
their emotions.

If your child is experiencing or displaying signs of anger, there are things that parents and carers can do
to help. STEP have put together this toolkit to help you understand anger and how you can support your
child to manage their anger and aggression. At the back of this toolkit there will be some resources for
you to refer to and work through with your child.
 Anger
What is Anger?
Anger is a word used to describe feeling angry, mad, furious, annoyed or frustrated and is a normal and
healthy emotion. However, it can be a problem if you find it difficult to keep anger under control. Anger
can really get in the way of our thinking, feelings, behaviours and relationships. It is important to get
angry sometimes, but it is important to release the anger in the right way.
While having some angry feelings is normal at all ages, some children and young people struggle more
than others to control these feelings and to sort the problems out. Angry feelings and aggressive
behaviour can be very hard to deal with and can have a big effect on family life, but there are ways you
can talk to your child about how they're feeling and work out coping strategies together.
Everyone has angry feelings, they are a normal reaction when
things go wrong,
when life feels unfair,
we get overwhelmed,
or people upset and hurt us.
Anger can sometimes act as a positive force for change or it can be negative and destructive.

Myth: Anger is a negative emotion.

It's not bad to feel angry. Anger is a normal, healthy emotion. In fact, a lot of really good
things stem from anger, and angry feelings can lead to positive change.

Understanding Anger
Anger is normal
Anger is a normal and useful emotion. It can tell children when things are not fair or right. But anger can
become a problem if a child's angry behaviour becomes out of control or aggressive.
Anger can be helpful
Anger is a useful tool for young people to realise when things are not right and allow them to realise they
need to talk about their feelings and understand the underlying cause for their anger.
Anger can become a problem
Anger can become a problem if a child displays aggressive behaviours and their anger disrupts
themselves, others and family life.
Anger at different ages and stages

Toddlers and young children typically have tantrums when they don’t get their own way or feel
frustrated. If they can't tell us in words, they use their behaviour.

Starting school can be hard, tiring and overwhelming for a small child. Trying to learn and stay good all
day means that parents are understandably the first ‘safe place’ where their child can let it all out, and so
they often bear the brunt of pent-up feelings and exhaustion after school.

The transition from primary to secondary school can make children feel anxious and unsettled, but
express these feelings as anger.

Teenagers can be very defiant and refuse to keep to their parents’ rules as they try and push the
boundaries to increase their independence. Changes in the brain and hormones mean that many
teenagers have trouble controlling their behaviour, seeing other people's point of view and doing things if
they can't see the point. Being out of control can feel quite frightening for teenagers as well as for
parents.

When a person of any age is consumed by anger, and it is having a persistently negative impact on their
life and the lives of those around them, it is a problem.

How children communicate anger

How children and young people channel their feelings and communicate anger can vary greatly. They can
show their anger by shouting, refusing to do what they are told, saying horrible things and trying to upset
others. They can break or smash things, and hit or hurt their parents and other family and friends.

A positive!
If anger arises in one setting but not another, it is likely that the cause is connected to one setting. The
young person is clearly capable of managing their anger elsewhere and can therefore learn more
coping strategies for trigger situations.

Be positive

Positive feedback is important. Praise your child's efforts and your own efforts, no matter how
small.

This will build your child's confidence in their ability to manage their anger. It will also help them
feel that you're both learning together.
Help your child spot the signs of anger

Being able to spot the signs of anger early can help your child make more positive decisions about how
to handle it.

Talk about what your child feels when they start to get angry. For example, they may notice that:

• their heart beats faster

• their muscles tense
• they clench their teeth
• they make a fist
• their stomach churns

How should I respond when my child gets angry?

Here are five tips which can really help:

1. Separate your child’s feelings from their negative behaviours; feelings are valid, bad
behaviour is not. It is important to try and make your child understand that you are not
rejecting them and their feelings, but that you do not accept their behaviour. When
children and young people act irrationally, they don’t always understand your reasoning,
and this can be when difficult situations escalate and get out of hand. Keep explanations
calm and simple to avoid misunderstandings.

2. Don’t mirror the anger. Keep a calm manner, neutral voice and open body language (no
folded arms).

3. Limit your questioning. Acknowledge they are feeling angry, say you would like to talk
through how they are feeling and what they are communicating once they’ve calmed
down.

4. Hold boundaries and be consistent in how you set consequences, they might not like it, but
this helps a child feel contained; it helps them in their development and their
understanding of what is acceptable behaviour and what is and isn’t okay.

5. Plan ahead. Work out what to do if your child’s anger outbursts increase.
What can I do to help my child?

While having some angry feelings is normal at all ages, some children and young people struggle more
than others to control these feelings and to sort the problems out. Angry feelings and aggressive
behaviour can be very hard to deal with and can have a big effect on family life, but there are ways you
can talk to your child about how they're feeling and work out coping strategies together.

These are things which can really make a difference:

1. If your child doesn’t know why they are feeling angry, try and work out together what might be
causing their feelings. If they aren't ready to talk, try saying you are there to listen whenever they
are ready.

2. Say that you have noticed they don’t seem happy and ask if anything is worrying them or stressing
them out.

3. Don't change your usual rules. When teens are angry they can also be frightened about how out of
control they feel; this is the very time they need family stability, so be consistent.

4. Give yourself and your child some time to allow things to resolve. Sometimes children just need
parents to notice and acknowledge that things are hard for them.

5. Help them to recognise patterns of when and how they get angry.

6. Help them to work out ways of channelling their anger differently, for example, you could try
encouraging them to:

 try some simple controlled breathing techniques

 do some physical activity/ join a sports team

 plan some 'time out' doing something they enjoy

 get creative to communicate their thoughts in a different way e.g. drawing, writing, texting

And remember to look after yourself and keep yourself strong. Parenting can be tough, so do talk to
friends or family for support, and try to find a bit of time out for yourself.
Dealing with aggression and violence

When a child or young person is very angry, they can get verbally or physically aggressive and even
violent. It can be hard to help them, especially when they say there is nothing wrong and that
everyone else has the problem.

If safe to do so for you and the child remove yourself from the room.

If not safe to do so, and you feel that you or anyone else are at immediate risk of harm, warn the child
that if the aggression does not stop you will contact the police and follow through if they do not stop.

Calling the police to intervene in a situation with your child is an incredibly difficult thing for any
parent to have to do. If your safety, or the safety of other family members, is in question, this may be
the only course of action.

When your child or young person is calm try agreeing on some anger rules that you devise together,
create a poster or list that can be displayed at home as a reminder of what is and is not acceptable.
Resource Section

In this section you will find:

Useful Worksheets:
Recognising anger signs
Anger triggers
Anger discussions
Ways to respond
Coping/calm down techniques
Calm down colouring
 Anger balloon

Write down everything that makes you feel angry inside the red balloon. Once you have done
this, get yourself a balloon, for each thing that you wrote down, blow into the balloon and say in
turn each thing that makes you angry. Once you have said all that you have written down, let
the balloon go. This will demonstrate how when we are full of anger and we don’t deal with it,
we can explode or become destructive. Once you have done this, repeat the process to blow up
the balloon but then let a little bit of air out at a time. This will reflect how we can better
manage our anger by using some of the different techniques and we are much more calm if we
do so.
Try to think about the anger that you show to others and write that in the tip of the ice burg. Then
think about all the feelings underneath that others cant see. This may help you get a better understand-
ing of your own anger.
Where can I get help?

Here are some useful links where you will find lot of tips on how to deal with and manage anger.

Young minds https://youngminds.org.uk/find-help/feelings-and-symptoms/anger/?

gclid=EAIaIQobChMI1dir_ 6jt6wIVmu7tCh0kyAD8EAAYBCAAEgLli_D_BwE

Family Lives https://www.familylives.org.uk/advice/teenagers/behaviour/dealing-with-anger-in-

teenagers/

The Mix Dealing with Anger https://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/looking-after-yourself/

dealing-with-anger-6631.html

NHS https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/dealing-with-angry-child/

Child Mind Institute, dealing with explosive behaviour https://childmind.org/article/angry-kids-dealing

-with-explosive-behavior/

Ditch the Label https://www.ditchthelabel.org/what-to-do-when-youre-angry/